I was recently asked this question by a young equestrian coach starting her training. The question was wrapped up in enthusiastic, excitement and a hint of dread. She obviously loved horses and the thought of being able to fund some of her hobby and perhaps even turn it into a business or career down the path had her filled with the wonderment of youth. Mixed in was an uneasy feeling that she could stuff up and either do something unconsciously unsafe or give bad advice.
Of course I gave what at first she thought was a typical; of the cuff sarcastic answer ~ yet in reality it sums up the requirements of a coach/manager perfectly.
So here was my the answer.
“The ability to not swear profusely in front of a student/client when eventually and inevitably a rail either jams you finger or lands on your toe, in the early morning cold.”
I paused as I watched the expression on her face change from slightly puzzled to 💯 HUH! 🤷🏻♀️
I of course then added.
“They must also be technically proficient as well”. Just to clear things up.
Now would you ask a follow up question or count your losses and move on?
Thankfully the benefit of the doubt was given (or perhaps it was decision to see if I’d sink the last scraps of creditably or be consigned to the bottom of the ocean forever).
“Do you mean you always need to be polite?”
Actually no not really that’s not what I meant at all.
Firstly as a coach or manager you need to understand your field, you in no way need to be the most knowledgable, as there will always be someone who knows bits and pieces more in-depth then you can possibly know. Having a deep enough knowledge from which to always be building on and the capacity to see a task both up close and as a big wide picture is important.
There are a few parts to my explanation.
Firstly as a coach you need to be aware of a student’s attention span and ability to take in knowledge or give and receive considered feedback. The famous Ted talk speakers are generally restricted to a tight 18 mins formula as it is generally understood most audience members will start to struggle after 10-15mins. So even though university lectures are based around the notion of 50mins since the middle of the 11th century its often understood students waiver well before the halfway mark (especially just before or after lunch). So choose your words carefully and use them wisely to have the most impact. Wasting them on something that has no teaching or coaching impact on students/clients now means you’ve dripped into your attention time clock with your student. Setting up a distracted mind or a mind already distanced from you.
Secondly you’ll always need to let your own emotions wash over you; so you aren’t a captive to your own fears, worries, uncertainties, ego or need to be heard in each and every moment. The session isn’t about you, how good, bad or awful your day, week or month is. Yes stories can be a powerful teaching device but bemoaning about your pain or life’s unfairness just because you have an ensnared audience isn’t serving anyone. It doesn’t mean we need to be an emotionless robot. However your own emotions are sometimes less important than you realise even when you think you are praising someone else.
The example I explain for people is a trap we have all fallen into and don’t get me wrong when I’ve said it in that past. I was most definitely PROUD. Except words have POWER and none more so than when it comes to a person believing in themselves. Perhaps I would use a phrase like we all have from time to time like “Wow that was amazing I’M so proud of you.” Now of course there is absolutely nothing wrong with this statement and pride is often the emotion you are feeling in that moment. Whether it was because of overcoming obstacles or getting past a mental block, achieving a personal best or reaching a much worked for goal. Then ‘I’M proud of you’ is true. Except if words have power unconsciously you (the coach) takes that pride with you when you go. You manufactured and gave the pride and you equally take it away when you are no longer around. It may seem like splitting hairs but sometimes every moment of gaining and building someone’s SELF confidence genuinely counts.
The better and more empowering way of say it would be “YOU must be proud of what YOU’VE just done.” You might add because I certainly am but in actual fact often in that moment you want it purely about them and that they whole heartedly acknowledge the achievement/task and believe both how much it was to be in this moment and that when they reflect on it later it was about their effort, perseverance, resilience, tenacity and grit to stand in that moment. Because hopefully then if they truly own and believe in it then in no time at all it can be repeatable. Once something is repeatable the bandwidth you’ve just freed up is enormous.
Thirdly the gap between the surge of pain and how you react to it sums up a coach perfectly if you think about it. The instinct is to jump up and down in pain while perhaps letting out a few choice words. We are consistently gathering information, some sharp, some indifferent or reluctant. It can be intense or come along after a long slow burn either completely hidden or lots of telltale smoke but no obvious source. Yet what we do with this information and how we communicate it. It can shift from a learning or reflection moment of the problem into what we are hoping will be an empowering solution which has come from their own understanding and needs from the resources they can themselves muster. Remember we are there to educate yes but we are also there to empower. So often it is easy to see or feel a situation or moment and be immediately critical of what can be improved or changed. The moment of observation to the point where we communicate is the true challenge of any coach. Reframing, rethinking, reimagining as we set about freeing a mind from the overwhelming challenges it maybe experiences or equally opening the mind to the whole picture and the 1% change which could be possible right now instead of the unrealistic 90% unworkable all or nothing roll of the dice in hope. We control so much from from when we see to when we choose to speak and yet if we only react quickly to the stimuli then there is little deep learning. It’s easy to get into problem solving at times but not actually fully understand the human in the triangle; hear where they are at not where we won’t them to be at. Reset when shit happens not get bogged down in what’s going right but what I can control right now and what does that allow me to do that matters for what I’m trying to achieve next. Stripping it down to the one important thing in at times very complex decision making environment.
Lastly the thing we are always saying to clients is remember to breathe. When you are feeling uncomfortable, distressed or unsure you need to take in a nice big breath or two. Perhaps say a little mantra, ground yourself and keep going. The more you concentrate on the source of your pain the longer you’ll probably feel the pain. So don’t be such a big baby ~ yes it probably stung like crazy. Is it the end of the world? No. Is it possibly going to give you a good bruise? Yes possibly but maybe not. For the sharpness of the pain involved it madly doesn’t always give a great bruise to carry as a badge of honour around, oh well. Will the pain pass in a relatively short period of time? Yes 99% of the time, the other 0.9% you may have broken something but changes are you can bear the pain for the entirety of the day before you really need to deal with it. The other 0.1% oh is that blood 🥺 bugger that’s not good. A coach often doesn’t need to be a leader in the traditional sense * however you are helping put a complex jigsaw together. Discovering the hidden pieces, letting people find their courage and self understanding, allowing someone to find their voice and direction. To lose your own at the first encounter of pain isn’t the sign of a great leadership style perhaps. Some voices need to stay inside your head recognising they aren’t adding in any way to today’s session.
*{ huge caveat here because teaching beginners a dangerous sport is most definitely a very directive leadership style is required}
So there it is what seems like an off the cuff sarcastic answer is actually fairly true and can be as deep as you want to dive if you look at from all the different angles. The opportunity to coach someone in all the different forms it can take truly is a special moment in time which can’t be wasted with your own fears pre-judgments or setbacks. You are there to help someone else achieve their personal best in what ever form that takes. Remember to be calm, know your surroundings, shit happens however you’ll need to let things go. And most importantly don’t forget to breathe.
Good Luck.
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