Author: Ben Netterfield

This first part is about finding how tiptoeing around your own arguments, deliberations, shielding and procrastinations doesn’t need to have an all conquering willpower or magic wands to effort, face and start changes. By seeing how powerful just saying NO to the tiny roots of those habits. Which can create an opening for YES to take a positive step forward precipitated by the momentum change granted by your simple small empowering no, I will not continue on this track but choose another.

So many of us in Oz have been in periods of enforced reflection (lockdown). Our thoughts getting a good bounce around the echo chamber of our idle minds normally taken up by having human interaction. It swings between enjoying the space and craving interactions of our choosing again. Distances that have always been vast within our continent are now rewound to the turn of the century before, not the last one. We can travel at times but it’s risky. Who knows if you’ll be stuck or not. And for those of us who suffer losses of income through lock down must first scramble to get our heads above deck again before travel can be contemplated by which time borders can once again slam shut. If your timing is wrong you seem permanently stuck on the almost about to travel and not quite making it out the gates. Adventures planned are put on hold and catching ups with family and friends paused. Still we are very much the lucky country even when our own troubles seem confronting or unbearable we can reflect on the fact that this too will pass. Eventually!! Breath and let go of that tension as you truly can’t change this moment only how you embrace it; your attitude and mindset, not necessarily your actions; will effect your internal health come tomorrow and the day after.

It may seem strange then, that to make positive changes in your life you need to grasp and understand the power of NO. However if we think of the simple maths equation that there are only 24hrs in a day (fixed). The most common complaint if you asked a group of people why aren’t they doing the thing they want to improve their lives, often hits the first road block of lack of time in our minds eye. (Yet lockdowns gave us a little window into where some of our time was going and now where it’s not) So as the sun can’t be stopped, paused or slowed then we must do an honest stocktake as to where our time is being used.

Time has very strong anchor habits. That bind us to what may have been necessary or needed at some time in the past and yet the thinking/emotions or blocks can remain long after the requirement has served its’ purpose. Cutting ties with that feeling or initial reason can be far harder than expected. Injury or sickness lead to periods of recuperation, however are we still broken, or now just unfit and less mobile. Perhaps we started a project or endeavour and are now in a position we don’t want to let others down even though they weren’t the reason for taking a task or job on. Perhaps we needed time to sit and unwind from other external stresses, and this has now become just sitting. Inactivity leads to more inactivity, which then leads to tiredness that leads to needing more rest which leads to more inactivity. How long is unwinding and how long is now resting from our unwinding? No judgement just our honest stocktake where something started to where it has arrived. Like a gun buy back scheme, no judgement as to why you had the gun just will you give it up and walk away starting afresh.

Retraining sleep patterns is harder work then you think but the benefits is that it actually puts rest properly back in the rest category not sloshes all over other possible productive times. And yes its true some people are better morning or evening workers and that’s fine but what price are you paying to being active between 10pm and 11pm. If it has the effect of making your body and mind slower and slower to get traction on the next day, pushing it back further and further towards the early hours of the next day by the time you’ve unwound from the now day before. The price you are paying is getting higher and higher but the cycle is all going in the wrong direction.

So an honest look at your daily patterns while often this can be highly confronting don’t let yourself avoid it. As those anchors could have started for any number of reasons both good and bad. But if we don’t stand back and stop the cycle then the leavers get stuck until something catastrophic breaks it for us or we just slowly drown in our own escalating habit, remembering drowning is often silent so others don’t even realise they need to reach out and help save us.

Just because you took a long time sliding into your current anchor habits doesn’t mean they then can’t receive the NO treatment. I’m no longer tied to my anchor. It doesn’t matter what emotions or past that anchor is connected too if it doesn’t make my future better. What I once needed doesn’t need to remain in my now so I can move forward. You also can then see if the stocktake is done properly what little habits outcomes are also chained to my anchors. We consciously or unconsciously; sliding (leading to change from our past selves) in different directions all the time. So why not actually choose to deliberately walk in certain direction.

A quick example is a person who has to have a coffee before bed. Which we know is counter productive but the coffee is made worse because the said person also enjoys watching a tv show which runs for forty minutes. Ie now the coffee is hitting the blood stream and yes you guessed it. Might as well watch another show or channel surf. Now we are into that 90 minute period and closer to 1130pm sleep instead of 10ish. Ooooops! Plus coffee like alcohol doesn’t let you get into a deep sleep so a sleep debt is carried forward and more coffee is needed to get going. ‘Houston we have a problem’!! Houston’s response is always work the problem – so what will the astronaut possible have to change or say NO too. The price of the coffee has a huge knock on effect, so the test for the astronaut is simple, why are they attached to the coffee? The no is easy for everyone in the coffee situation expect for the astronaut him/her self, because, they had a reason for the why it was needed in the first place. Then the small no can become effective because that situation probably no longer excites. Change the cycle and let a yes be enacted for better sleep.

The easiest thing to say from the outside is learn from your mistakes, the hardest thing to do in your own life is to learn from your mistakes not carry them with you. Learning to not carry your past; but to master its lesson, is the gem for improving your future. So saying NO to yourself and placing down the weight of your past is the big step towards finding free time to make growth towards a better tomorrow.

Sometimes your YES isn’t strong enough yet to carry the day towards your new shackles off amazing exciting finished lockdown goals, nevertheless your no can help lay the foundation towards a first solid step on that path by realising the anchors only have power if we give it too them. By saying no to one small linchpin in the chain at a time there always becomes a breaking point and suddenly you are free. The no doesn’t need to be shouted just a quiet choice to stop one moment and then allowing a change to a different moment.

No to your own echo chamber as courage takes all shapes. You don’t need to storm the walls to be brave and effect a start towards change.

No don’t chase the buzz that ship has already passed just learn to sit softly with the feelings.

No can be, that’s enough unwinding, go to bed and actually rest.

No to extra hit of sugar. Sugar can’t help weariness or fatigue, only add onto tomorrows flatness.

No to being inactive ➡️ becomes a yes to basic movement. (Doesn’t need to be a fitness program just moving extra steps)

Stocktake’s can be scary or exciting depending on if you think, its a good place to find your beginning. It isn’t meant to be a stocktake on how heavy is my load; and how will I ever carry this ALL forward! Instead use the end of our enforced reflection and lockdowns to say no to carrying all your burdens and now misdirection routines and habits onwards but instead taking the risk of setting them down. No to your past, only what you have learnt and YES what you want to be carrying lightly forth.

Good luck and remember the person you are with the most should receive the greatest support understanding and help. YOU!

If you liked this blog then check out my Youtube Channel

Re-broken advice 

Blindside of self-worth with asking for advice.

Learn to be comfortable saying and thinking Yes or No.

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Audible Membership

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Mindfulness for Health: A practical guide to relieving pain, reducing stress and restoring wellbeing

Giving Voice to Values: How to Speak Your Mind When You Know What’s Right

Unclutter Your Mind – 500 Ways to Focus on What’s Important

If you or anyone you know needs help:

Lifeline on 13 11 14

1800RESPECT national helpline: 1800 737 732

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MensLine Australia on 1300 789 978

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Headspace on 1800 650 890

QLife on 1800 184 527

We all go through life learning something for the first time. Then if we are engaged with that subject; we’ll often revisit it 2, 3, 4, 10000 times more; learning the subject or task until it goes from complicated, too simple, too complicated and back to simple in our minds eye. As a coach this is part of our job. Knowing something deeply; but hopefully being able to communicate it simply, with easy to see steps that lay out a road map towards goals that extend our clients, but don’t shatter their confidence or self-esteem. The quick obvious example of growth of understanding in my sport is what we call a ‘half halt’ (definition below). We learn and re-learn the understanding and definition so it can be placed into actions and importantly outcomes. The added bonus as a rider, is you get to throw into the mix, another living partner that has to be brought on the journey as well. What importance is placed where and at what stage. This can usually only come through deeper revisiting of the subject and context surrounding the task. However that being said as the first part of the definition states – the half halt is a hardly visible – literally hours and hours of hard grinding work go into that ‘hardly visible’ action. Yet once those hours are embodied in the work the proof is from the outside a ‘half halt’ as stated is barely visible from a casual observer.

EXCERPT FROM THE USDF TRAINING MANUAL Half-Halt

“The half-halt is the hardly visible, almost simultaneous, coordinated action of the seat, the legs and the hand of the rider, with the object of increasing the attention and balance of the horse before the execution of several movements or transitions between gaits or paces. In shifting slightly more weight onto the horse’s quarters, the engagement of the hind legs and the balance on the haunches are facilitated for the benefit of the lightness of the forehand and the horse’s balance as a whole.” [USEF Rule Book DR108]

“The half-halt is a call to attention to prepare the horse for the next command of his rider.” [Classical Training of Horse and Rider, p 40]

“The half-halt is a combination of your driving aids plus your bending aids plus a rein of opposition sustained for a period of about three seconds.” [Dressage Insights: Excerpts from Experts, p 35]

So the question then is why do we often skip over the deeper learning for our own mental health and stay in shallow fixes and not deeper growth and well being? We don’t work on it so we can gain balance, calmness, peace and strength in the moment, but wait until it falls through the floor then try and haul our ass up. By which time all the momentum is going in the wrong direction ⬇️. One of the few tools left to draw on then is simple avoidance. What ever shape that takes.

I was lucky enough to catch Guy Winch on this Tedx talk. Which was something most of us in lockdown have already been deeply in thought about but are feeling too close to the death of a thousand cuts to reach out and even find the bandaids as we only remembered to get toilet paper from our panicked rush to the shops. We inevitably notice some bleeding but think nothing is too deep and go back to the time honoured approach of burying our heads in the sand for some relief and distraction. Because who wants to sit in a place of being uncomfortable and truly take stock. So our version of a deep dive into personal health is in fact, the sense of grinning and bearing it for another day and another day until the end of times at this current rate.

Like most of us I have struggled at times getting in to a place where I can cope in different or difficult situations. Being overtaken by ruminating and thus not being connected with the present. Overthinking what I’m lacking or under achieving rather then being content with the present and letting the new day come to me. The cold shiver of powerlessness that you can feel as things can seem overwhelming and a huge wave full of doubt and hopelessness seems to be bearing down on you. Ready to wash you into a certain creek without a paddle heading for the inescapable waterfall. Bugger!

So here’s a little exercise that helped me to become present and in that way enjoy and/or cope with the moment you are in, and only deal with the problem/situation at hand. Changing what you can change and accepting the rest. (That doesn’t mean you are delightfully happy about it necessarily but I can’t change it so how much emotional energy should I be wasting on the situation?) Remembering this didn’t happen instantaneously; in fact it took me a fairly good amount of practice before it became second nature and virtually instantaneous. Most of us have either heard of or done some form of meditation which can bring you into a relaxed inner peace state. Though many may think of this as separate from their daily lives and thus relaxing for that inner peace 20-30 mins not something they’ll actualise for throwing the mat down in the middle of a difficult meeting and taking some time out. Or when you have time on your hands; thoughts and feeling start to bounce around, echoing and amplifying in your mind getting louder but not finding a way out. Slowly torturing your downtime and leaving you shattered and exhausted.

Before I explain this further; I’ll put this in to context as to the fact that I used to found it very hard to ground myself in a moment. Usually I was involved in burying my mind’s thoughts in distraction from pain. So it was not that I was a huge over-thinker or frantic jumbled thinker but more once a negative thought or the flooding emotion of pain would appeared I found it hard to drop that so my body wasn’t responding to that fear of failure or fear of making a mistake and stay the positive course of action I actually wanted to take. This is quite simply what’s called a grounding exercise so you are literally just staying in the present and only responding to your right here and now. Dropping all other struggles or thoughts. (Sounds a bit dramatic but think of it as only being in this moment). Firstly you’ll need something that brings you to this moment, hence the picture from the beginning of the blog. In my case I use a keyring holder with the two leather straps and several different shaped and textured pieces of wood. Plus I also have the lanyard strap material clipped on. Which for me made a huge difference as to how quickly I could work through the process.

I found closing my eyes worked best as I would then tend to slow my fingers down and once I got better then I could open my eyes and see the shapes, as well as feel the texture. The first three – four days my mind was still racing and yes the fingers touched the different objects but I was fleetingly fiddling with each object, not sensing and connecting with them. The ends of my fingers tips felt the pieces of wood but they were on the outer edge of my conscious sensors and occupying very little if any of my bandwidth. Then at the end of the first week I added the material and did a slow breathing exercise before starting for a minute or two. Then closing my eyes started the exercise to become more present with the wooden toggles and suddenly there it was. My mind clicked in to that moment, slowing down and feeling the churning undercurrent of emotions turn from a continuous body of water in motion, to a calmer and strangely softer presence in my minds eye. (Perhaps that’s just me) Slowly from that point I could work so it is a less obvious quicker exercise over time, I had the ability of clearing my senses, becoming completely present in the moment you are in. Calming the mind, giving it a little pause to either notice your thoughts or importantly to readjust my senses and emotions reaction to the now. If the pain senses are overloaded to look at the pathways and help turn the volume down if necessary. The unexpected benefit came in the way of helping me with brain fog. By doing the above exercise I was able to feel that I could slowly pull my brain through the heavy dense murky fog of misfiring limited brain function and comprehension to slowly concentrate deeply again without feeling everything was a jumbled mess. My body and conscious brain were actually an operating partnership again. I would do between 5-15 mins in the beginning before I found some sort of feeling towards being present. Now I can do it in a single breath if out in the field and perhaps with a small movement of a chosen part of my shoulders, fingers or toes. So the key ring taught me how, and gave me the confidence in skills on the pathway to get there with the reassurance of its benefits.

So how has it helped me? As a coach it’s exceedingly easy for your brain to be spinning into finding a problem, validating the problem and understanding the problem and moving to a solution. Meanwhile the objective, profound, listening skills during this process start to take a back seat all to quickly, and yes that initial barrier is a problem, but is it the underlying problem. All too often we can miss the gem of information hidden while rushing from the big obvious problem with neon lights around its neck to the solution. A changed tone; a word lingered on longer than you’d expect. If you are truly engaged with being present, suddenly this can lead you to ask another question off the tangent path you were both walking. This can lead you to discover an untapped reservoir of information that may have been lurking in a client’s unconscious or they had been sitting on, but until now trusting you with their fuller coloured in story hadn’t occurred. However now because you’re 100% anchored to them; (not in a sharp intense way, but rather a caring encouraging safe way) the edges of that self styled biography are starting to bubble out. And you must catch the first few tiny bubbles carefully to encourage more to come until you can start searching for the real source of their appearance. Often once the source is found, you don’t have to solve a problem or come up with a solution because they are empowered to understand their own battle and can decide whether to continue fighting it or with light being shone on the field of conflict they can now allow it’s weight to be understood and dropped.

For me; one of the other great ways it’s helped me. Was retraining and rewiring my brain from dealing with pain. For nearly 20 years my brain was wired to deal with varying levels of pain which was almost always there, it was just the amount that changed from day to day. However then through a stroke of luck I suffered another accident that changed my course. Long story very short I was no longer in unrelenting agony each and every day. Fabulous you’d correctly think. Unfortunately my brain was still wired to expect pain and lots of it. So if I got a pain trigger then clear the decks because here it comes. Fatigue would almost instantly wash over me, dread and despair would be knocking on the door waiting to get in on the action. Life could turn from sunny to dark all too quickly. Yet by becoming present I could sit with feelings and pain as two separate beasts and deal with them or not as I choose. The simple example I can give you is prior to using this technique if I was out hiking and my ankle started giving me grief I would turn up the volume on my music (Plus I’d always need to carry music for just such an occasion) because I would need to distract my brain from the pain signals bombarding me, then being amplified and jammed on high. Taking several days before those signals may die down. Having forced my body to compensate and thus put more pressure on other already over taxed areas and pushing the discomfort throughout the body as well as into sleepless nights. Now though I don’t need music as a distraction I can let myself feel the pain and even if it’s sharp and/or intense I can be in touch with that and observe it letting it come and go as I continue to walk. Being present and not avoiding the pain meant I could address the emotion and the wonderful realisation I didn’t need to have an emotion just because I had pain. So I could stay wth just the pain; feeling that it isn’t forever consistent, but the sharpness will have a peak the then fall into a dull arch and the next cycle may be sharper or not as intense but importantly noticing it’s not a flood. Also I know feeling sharp pain doesn’t mean it’s game over, it can simply mean I need to concentrate on my stride length and angle of the ground I’m walking on. Perhaps I need to rotate the inflamed ankle a few times but I knew I could now lean into that pain to improve it rather then retreat from it. A whole world of difference. Also not needing the music I could actually be more connected to the hiking experience it’s self, thus enjoying the moment more and laying it down as a good memory to be retrieved for later, not filed under another crappy day of pain even when I was trying to find joy. I hope this helps you in some small way to become more present in these weird unstable covid times. Good luck and take care.

Books I found interesting about this subject.

Mindfulness for Health: A practical guide to relieving pain, reducing stress and restoring wellbeing (Great book for when your first being hit with pain and giving you several coping skills to try)

https://amzn.to/2UmE6NB

Audible Membership

https://amzn.to/2VMTnro

Mindfulness for Health: A Practical Guide to Relieving Pain, Reducing Stress and Restoring Well-Being audio

https://amzn.to/3ANl6HQ

If you or anyone you know needs help:

Lifeline on 13 11 14

1800RESPECT national helpline: 1800 737 732

Beyond Blue on 1300 224 636

MensLine Australia on 1300 789 978

Suicide Call Back Service on 1300 659 467

Kids Helpline on 1800 551 800

Headspace on 1800 650 890

QLife on 1800 184 527

Disclaimer: Links included in this description might be affiliated links. If you purchase a product or serve with the link that I provide I may receive a small commission. There is no additional charge to you. Thank you for supporting my channel so I can continue to provide you with free content. 👍

Every single student I come into contact with is a good reminder that the easiest trap I can fall into as a coach is the ‘curse of knowledge’. I can’t possibly know all that is involved in someone else’s life. What they know but don’t understand; or what they understand; but haven’t had the courage to lean in too. Where they think their limits are. The roadblocks we hide from and ones we don’t even acknowledge consciously or unconsciously. The goals they have as opposed to where they are heading. What are their hidden strengths. Where are their blindspots and the under lying reasons they may be avoiding or staying in certain situations. 

It’s easy to either over complicate or over simplify instructions, jumping in to solve a problem with an assessment based on my opinion. (That may seem weird for a coach to say, as aren’t you paying them for their opinion and/or perceived wisdom.) Never the less if I missing one of the single most important duties I can create for any client or human; is to improve and development, the gift of self empowerment. It’s all too easy to dive in and solve a problem. After all everyone loves to solve a problem; receive praise, which is always good for the old ego to show off your skills etc etc. A few simple facts are thus over looked.

1) Why was the problem there in the first place.

2) If you solved the problem did the client really understand the mechanics of how it got solved and the tools required for the steps necessary to get the same resolution again.

3) Are there any emotions that are tied to that problem which would make it difficult to solve when the client is trying to solve it on their own.

4) Did the client truly understand where the problem was solved from. More often than not a problem comes from a very base level misstep. However as a person under pressure trying to solve the immediacy of the problem; we can skip over that part and concentrate on what seems like the complex side of the dilema which is the manifestation of the problem.

5) Does the client have the tools to see the problem from the distance like you just have. It’s generally easier to understand the scope of a situation when we can see the UNEMOTIONAL big picture.

6) Does the client totally understand what MATTERS and the next SMALL step that is required to change the outcome. Everyone gains empowerment differently much like we all receive approval differently and positive feedback. The power to stand for one’s self is actually the goal any coach should have. Understanding we all fail, it’s how we pause, reset and go again that matters more than singular success.  

The tools and confidence to engage in active decision making and the presence to stay in the moment. With the vision and practice to solve the what’s “next” choice that needs to be made. 

To go back to the title : (Look up Sean Stephenson Tedx talk https://youtu.be/VaRO5-V1uK0 ) we can be as much in our own head giving ourselves predictions that aren’t in the least bit empowering. Which we then can spiral into self pity and self hate. This can come about from not knowing how to change a situation. But it can also be because when we did seek out a solution to a problem. We got the answer but not the underlying understanding; or the key of empowerment that solution should have provided for us with.

When we are training a new skill or refining an old one, we are often working against an in grained habit or doing something that is counterintuitive but these things can bring up a lot of emotional energy. Fighting to stay with what is our perceived safe and you’re normal. Hence why change can be difficult because even though you may understand progression is inherently uncomfortable you are in a process of change away from that normal ‘safe’ reaction/response which the brain is seeking to return too.

An easy example to give is when a light aircraft is coming into land if the pilot notices the plane is coming in too low. A natural instinct for a raw trainee is to simply pull back on the control column after all the ground is coming up awfully large in your windscreen and pulling back means UP after all. Correct?

❌ Unfortunately you have now created a situation where the aircraft will fall even shorter of the runway and possibly worse much harder because you’ve now stalled the wing which means it’ll lose lift and dive towards the ground. Not the outcome you were hoping for as you instinctively pulled back on the control column.

However if you are simply told to add throttle. Your logical brain will go; won’t that just make me hit the ground faster 🤷🏻‍♂️ after all doesn’t the ground seem already to be rushing up and if I’m in a car applying the accelerator often makes me hit something faster (though I do understand that’s not always the case but I’m keeping this example simple)

So if I’m just yelled at to add throttle my brain will be in conflict and this gives a lag or worse blind obedience which means I’m taking no responsibly for anything and officiating the decision making process, thus getting the task done but rendering it possibly unrepeatable at all on my own. I can then be trained to repeat it blindly but never understand it. I’m repeating the task not the solution. When faced with similar but not the same type of problem, I may or may not be able to solve the question. Thus it’s narrow repetition not even narrow learning (focused learning is great however there is a subtle difference) until a lot of life experiences teaches me otherwise. Basically I’ll need a lot more exposure under instruction to arrive any where near the same outcome of learning and progression.

To help step around this as both a good human being and coach, as we are all coaches when someone seeks our advice. It is necessary to really listen and/or watch the problem, but watch not only from your own experience but try and understand it from their view point so when you answer it comes from a place of learning, empowering and progression. Not just your expertise. It also comes from what they are capable of doing next physically, emotionally and intellectually which in the end is the only that counts. Empowering someone can mean you need to understand where they are standing so the advice is not only proper for the situation but also conceivable from the position they are located. Not the platform you are standing on. This shift allows the emotional energy of being heard and understood redirected into the action rather than sliding into the dark prison of no one understands me and my problem is different to anyone else’s. We often don’t realise how draining some forms of emotional blocks are until we are freed from them. The important message is do your best to work genuinely collaboratively and empower them to learn, understand and stand for themselves. Growing in the direction that best suits their needs and life story.

Good luck and reclaim your mind’s growth so you aren’t standing in a prison of one. Your own mind.

Check out the link below for Sean Stephensons great Ted talk

https://youtu.be/4l7J_lW4xSo

Books I found interesting about this material 

The Four Tendencies: The Indispensable Personality Profiles That Reveal How to Make Your Life Better.

Gretchen Rubin

The School of Life: An Emotional Education

https://amzn.to/2WmQFsT

Atomic Habits: the life-changing million-copy #1 bestseller

https://amzn.to/3iXWK6J

Journal and Workbook for James Clear’s Atomic Habits: Chapter-by-Chapter Highlights and Key Points Plus Custom-Designed Workbook Pages – All The Tools You Need to Turn Your Goals Into Reality

https://amzn.to/3C3AbGG

Get Off Your “But”: How to End Self-Sabotage and Stand Up for Yourself

https://amzn.to/3ybRUJH

For leadership coaching ~ one on one coaching appointments Via zoom. Please click the link below to be taken to the booking page. 

Hope to be able to help you soon break through your barriers and be the wind not the leaf in your story. 

https://daretocoaching.as.me/

What a contradiction the opening statement seems. However its stands starkly apart from the safe zone, which limits new experiences. Thus restricts honing skills as it’s better to stick with what you have and not dive from the shallow end into the dark waters of doubt or face the embarrassment of failure which is surrounded by the rough unrelenting endless ocean of chaos. Through unconscious limiting habits and a strategy formed from life’s experiences that wants to curtail risk, so we remain within certain boundaries and at times let those walls slowly contract. We let the views/doubts/expectations of others have more weight then they should carry with you.

I’m not talking about the sort of mistakes at different times of our which are unrealistic lifestyle choices we just can’t or shouldn’t afford to be in. Like the last year of your working life after 35+ years on a factory floor; you probably shouldn’t suddenly decide to go out with your entire superannuation package, march up to a casino roulette wheel and go double or nothing on one spin. Of course there some that are forever reckless. But often it’s a copping mechanism or a possible way of running away from other situations in life. Not wanting the walls to box them in so the answer is take the risk and break out one way or the other. An all or nothing strategy.

The best illustration of what I mean by living a better life by stepping towards the mistake zone rather then away from it. I spend a good 20+ years as a professional equestrian rider. With this comes the need to have a partner who with training and time spent together, will step into the fire of competition with you and grant the beautiful gift of sharing the load, feeling when to pick up the slack and being courageous when everything is in doubt. This partnership is built during the easy times and the hard times alike. Your experience helps you at times reach out faster but trust always stands on the top of a mountain built from the bond of grinding out the miles. Learning re-learning, re-re-learning, moving things to unconscious thoughts no matter if things are running smoothly or if things are hitting the fan. Structured and unstructured finding the risk points and the hard no’s of any partnership. As you get older and your time gets pulled in many different directions, having the time to be only in the training competition moment becomes increasingly difficult. Early on it was training and progressing just between you and your equine partner, then it turns mostly about you and your furry partner against the course designer. Who can have the moral victory on the day and lastly it comes to running your own best race and see if that gets you in the ribbons for that day. Sadly the clear focus and drive of an athlete can become cluttered by; other’s views of your past success and then also stepping into a coaching role. You are expected to make fewer mistakes if any at all. The weight in the beginning can be seamless and retaining a view of perfection means you risk less to stay well with in your limits. Slowly if at all you start to show fewer shifts in progression, experience covers your short falls in the training grid but that is a patch up solution at best. Of course people/clients/students/friends/family may or may not have those thoughts or make the sort of comments that lead you to believe you think they have but ultimately only you choose to take them on board or not. Nevertheless it often at first leaks into your subconscious actions and decisions first and those decisions have a cascade effect which means the brain is already going down the road of protecting past performances not building for newer better ones.

Like most people I wasn’t overly gifted so I made up for in by allowing the partnership to develop through lots of shared moments in a calm clear environment and then under pressure of decision making trying not to let emotions overwhelm or distract me and embracing the fear; staying only with the information that mattered and the action that it required. However reflecting back as an equestrian coach now I can see where I lost that drive to stay in the mistake zone; being ok with the chaos and knowing I wouldn’t have every answer but take a breath and lean into the fire, and learning from today. I might very will have the answer with the new day or more likely the day after that. Notwithstanding that it may let’s face it come after a month of solid grid or in a quiet moment removed from the fire but I was looking for the answer not looking to sweep it under the rug and roll the dice of hope, that the challenge could be side stepped or bluffed until eventually there isn’t enough grid and growth from avoiding the mistake zone to carry the day. After that (lots of training isn’t a moment of brilliance but an accumulation of candles all progressively flickering in the dark) for many many different reasons but also as a life/leadership coach I can see how we all turn away from that mistake zone because we want things to be stable and safe unconsciously even when we may hate the safe boring place our conscious self has landed. So away from the mistake zone we progressively turn. Risk adverse and even worse making the ability to take even soft risk less likely. Our minds and bodies have slowed both physically and mentally to deal with new adventures or the chaos of genuine progress. So we hold on to our circular lifebuoy drifting in the vast ocean not looking to even make the effort of paddling just incase we paddle the wrong way or attract the wrong sort of attention.

Learning from past failures is only one of life great lessons the other half of that is one the of the greatest gifts we can give ourselves. Genuinely not carrying those mistakes uncomfortably on our shoulders and back. Placing aside other people’s expectations (real or imagined), importantly and unmistakeable our own egos that need success to blossom at times even though success rides on the back of mistakes and falling short. When the ego shuts off the possibility of failure then reality takes the first steps away from advancement and begins the path of standing on a hollow platform raised beyond the grid and effort required to be a top of the mountain. Yet the answer is so simple. Recognise you have retreated from the mistake zone. Pick your self up, recognise it as a challenge not a everlasting failing; and think what do I (ONLY ME) want to do next and WHY. Is the why big enough to enter the mistake zone and remember time will pass whether you do it or not so break out of time’s jail and think what is the goal and what’s the smallest step you need to do next. I will make mistakes, I will end up at road blocks and dead ends but from those I will learn untold lessons; which will hold me better for the future. Mistakes make me stronger not weaker if I learn from them and understand how they fit into my bigger picture. To grow I will more often then not be embarrassed and laughing at my early attempts and gigantic stumbles. I will find my tribe that will laugh with me and clap as I eventually stand back up, some smarty pants will heckle but good natured ribbing can lighten the mood when done from a place of empathy not envy, and give it another go. Progress comes with laughter, tears, bruises (sometimes epic emotional ones) and growth not always in the direction you expect. That’s the thing with letting off your handbrake and letting go. Freedom awaits.

We’ve all heard the statement before. It really can’t be any easier then that as a life strategy. Yet as simple as that statement is one of the hardest most elusive things to do is just that. Not because we don’t want simple but because the simple action is often being drowned by the what if’s created from the physical and emotional road block that you’re experiencing.

Here’s the example I was confronted with when I decided to write this blog. I would call myself a paragliding and paramotoring enthusiast in that I love it and think of it way more then I get to actually do it. I have periods of stars aligning and dreams transfer into freedom of flight and the soul fills up on the food of joy.

So as the paramotoring time had been the most intermittent with one thing and another I decided to concentrate more consistently on it until my skills felt less rusty and more proficient again. One of the reasons for not having done as much, was re-jamming badly an old finger break. This lead to the finger being very difficult to move and squeeze around the throttle lever so I had decided to stop flying the motor until it improved or at the least get more comfortable to squeeze the trigger mechanism. Plus being winter time it felt like ice daggers being stabbed through the tip once the extra cold air of flight hit it. Which made for uncomfortable flying. Plus all you could think of while on the ground, during take off run was whether I could smoothly control the throttle response or jerk it around like a beginner driver doing their first hill start in a manual car. After a few flights of it just being barely adequate and still painful I decided to wait on warmer weather and longer healing time for the finger.

As the brain does; it mulled over the situation for the two months between flights. Physically I used some old tennis balls to squeeze and get the strength and dexterity going, though it still felt slow and clunky. However at least it now had good movement though still quite sore at the tip of the finger.

For people unfamiliar with paramotoring, ie 99% of earth’s population, you basically have a lawn mover engine strapped to your back. A big fan to change the rpms into thrust and a sheet (What is very similar to a paragliding wing) with lots of strings connecting you with the thrust and lift makers. Loud magic lifts you up into the sky the big blue roar of bliss continues, until you return to terra firma. The smile of those that break with the rule of gravity at least temporary can’t be hidden. Doubts, fears, uncomfortable butt clinching moments fade with the process of having touched the sky up close and personal.

To give you a brief simple run down on the set up before launch. The paramotor is on your back which is attached to you via a harness which converts into a seat once your airborne. The wing is clipped into the arms of the paramotor and sit about your lower rib height and that’s why your arms will reach up to above your shoulders to hold the brake/steering handles. My throttle is in my right hand as well. Now my throttle trigger is a little chunky any way. It can best be described as robust not sleek. Robust and reliable are wonderful qualities to have in an aircraft, way better then slim and fragile. No pilot wants to hear that last word when talking about a moving important part which helps underpin the whole flight challenge thingy.

The hardest part when it is just you and your problem; understandably the problem is gigantic and literally right there in the centre of your vision. Clearing your mind is difficult because it’s right there yelling at you. Wanting your attention and filling up so much of your mind it compresses your thinking to only deal with that problem in a past, present and future sense.

So there I am standing with a chugging lawn mower on my back. Continually playing with the throttle to try and get it comfortable which of course only made the lawn mower vibrate across my body more, heightening the senses not calming them overly much. So a few blown launches a scrappy take off another blown launch.

Should I try again? Holding the glider’s lines in my hands I was considering that question. Surely I can do this I hadn’t lost the ability to do this sport in 30 mins. Take a mental step back. Big breathe. Let’s do a few more of those. Look around and see the wind sock is a little twitchy light do some more calming breathes. Ok start at the beginning harness straps slowly methodically check and wing locked in and correctly aligned. That process gave me a sense of calm. Checking physical things I could see and tick them off in my pre flight routine. Yet still my brain, suddenly leapt off the calm band wagon and back to the screaming emotional beacon of the throttle. THROTTLE THROTTLE THROTTLE over here; look at me deal with me give me all your attention.

Shit ok breathe take a step back. Breathe again. How do I solve this problem? Stepping away from the emotional storm and screaming flashy self obsessed beacon disguised as an all consuming piece of vital equipment. Literally trying to step away into a third persons view of a situation. Nope that hasn’t worked yet my third person was standing too close and emotionally still attached to that DAMN throttle. Step back further away 5m. Nope that’s still too close. Breathe. 15m away, nope. 25m away, breathe. Stay there; something is flicking in the back of my mind. Can’t pin it down but what if from here I control my breathing and calmly look through the process and procedure from this vantage point, bigger overall picture. Set up, load up, launch and fly right. Wait; what rewind, something is nagging away in the background now. Rewind and go through it again slowly, big picture. Two things became immediately obvious. The first being you can’t tell the throttle is screaming at me the whole time wanting attention from this distance. But more importantly what you really notice is the wing. That big beautiful wing that creates lift to make it all possible. Control the wing – fly the wing and suddenly the battle with the throttle is a minor role because you’re doing it from a stable position. A real Homer Simpson moment DO-HO! Bloody hell how could I miss that? By controlling the wing the other problem is still there but I’ll be dealing with it while I’m balanced and stable and nowhere near as time critical if the wing is set and ready to fly, as opposed to snatching at it and wrestling, struggling and juggling as I just want to pull the power trigger; ready or not, a total all or nothing roll of the dice. Control the wing, do that SIMPLE step FIRST then progress into the next step.

Breathe, ok I’ve got a plan, rehearse it a few times in my mind, I’ve got this. Snatch at the wing oops off to the side, kill the wing. That’s ok, breathe again; reset. Breathe, loosen my shoulder, wing comes up smoothly and centred this time, I’ve got this, finger still sticky but hardly noticed it as the power came on and running into flight produced a stable lift off and a smile as big as the lake in front of me. Hell’s YES! That felt good.

The scenario every jumping coach knows most riders have with seeing a stride. They forget the basics and get bogged down in the pot of gold moment. Rushing to what we call seeing a stride. Yet quality of canter, centred line and balance give you a good arrival point 99% of the time. But boring basics feel like you’re not being told the true secret magic behind successfully being a jumping rock star. A small example being the simple first step; can you hold your own independent balance? Because if you can; then you can communicate with your partner/horse clearly. Thus decisions actually can be acted upon. Learning decisions, the sources your checking in on and what they should be; is training and progressive skill making. In other words what you don’t know you simply don’t know. Ie state of bliss but once you know it’s a learning training process to acquire the wisdom of knowing what to do with this information. Implement an action, just maintain the flow or ignore the white noise. This is all learned and honed, however if I can’t control the body’s balance it doesn’t matter how great a decision I’m making if the horse can’t tell the difference between a decisive action and the riders unbalancing white noise. Balance and co-ordinating aids are basic yet totally fundamental to riding as a whole.

The example that most people can relate to in a day to day scenario, is in situations like rehab from injuries, setbacks of work or life, unexpected events. The resilience to reset and start again. Restarting inevitability looks too small too far from any sort of pleasing progressive worthwhile finish line so we just don’t start at all. A measurable goal doesn’t look very exciting when it simply states get up and move in any way you can. Yet its the pure and simple first starting step.

No that can’t be right, stay here and rest because I’m exhausted weary from my life’s sometimes repeated obstacle and I’m now pushing myself into a corner with my own story. Exhaustion is that throttle screaming at you to rest more and more and more as it grinds you into the ground of weakness and fragility. Looking at yourself in that third person is so much easier then trying to find a solution when blissful comforting rest is right here surrounding me in the warmth and reassurance of surely not making a mistake and burning what little energy of have.

So the first step to do is surprisingly simple and yet actually extremely hard for most people; before you start thinking of the problem in that third person fashion. Take in a big breathe and remind yourself before I try and step away from the problem I’ll think of myself and this situation in a KIND way towards the most important person in that moment, ME. Thus hopefully the third person effect doesn’t end with rocks being thrown at you and your apparent short fallings for real or imagined failings. Now it becomes possible to step back see the bigger picture and hopefully come up with a plan that is simple and yet has an incredibly small first step forward. Got to stand back up and start at the beginning. The grind of life doesn’t let you jump straight to the glory part without starting at the beginning. Let’s face it the beginning is the only place to start if you want the story to roll out successfully.

Good luck and hopefully the throttle in your life will melt into the background as your simple plan works towards those big heartfelt smile moments.

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Make Time: How to focus on what matters every day

The ONE Thing: The Surprisingly Simple Truth Behind Extraordinary Results

Going through difficulties is like plodding through heavy wet clay mud. You’re struggling to a destination over the horizon but your not entirely sure your walking in the correct direction. So much energy is being expended and so much more is needed. The consistent stress, and do I have the strength and desire to continue the next day? The vivid nightmare and re-occuring growing dread is, what if the energy requirements are being harnessed and marshalled to begin each day and I’m damn well heading in the wrong direction towards a false summit or worse just simply thoroughly mistaken.

The plain reason for this is as most people who’ve gone through anything particularly hard or a trying part of their lives, all too often the stark reality is actually there wasn’t much of a choice to be made. Find a way to crawl your way back up or stay down wallowing in self-pity or hurt. There is nothing wrong with that burning rage of wallowing in self doubt, unfathomable ruptured unfairness and utter exhaustion. Recognising that no matter how good a friend misery tells you it is whether white hot or cool gloom the friend that says it will never leave your side is also covered in jealously and envy. It wants to give you a world of simple solutions and base emotions and yet recovery is full of contractions and counterintuitive actions.

One of my close friend’s great sayings is “He’s not afraid of falling down the fear is he won’t try and stand back up.”

It’s perfectly ok to feel buffered by injustices and aggrieved by the cards that have been dealt. Though no amount of tantrums, pleading  or begging for a reshuffle for a new deal.

Either get up and try to make things better or curl up in the corner crying. To survive we can cry and then “choose” to do our best one more time………… And one more after that.

For me then, resilience isn’t for those big moments and challenges others view as your greatest trails, but instead the little daily battles it takes to keep moving through normal daily life and reach the end of the day knowing you’ve taken the small steps you could and that’s all we can ever do. Learn from today; envy only the success of your own battles; and do your best again tomorrow.

Over the last few days and weeks I’ve heard in the media and through people and clients talking generally. When will we get to return to normal? Longing for the the way things were; disliking the fact that life has changed, needing at times to have someone or something to blame! Feeling like too many things are outside their spheres of control. Getting surges of worry and disquiet for how life is suddenly developing. The break down of social circles and activities can hit hard. Your life feels like it’s been put on a huge pause button. Expect sadly it hasn’t each day still has the same 24 hours which contains 1440 mins and 86400 seconds. Yet how many of those are being worried away for dreams of the past and our perceived life pre COVID-19. Change naturally brings stress and worry. This isn’t in anyway to belittle the stresses of job losses or incomes being ripped away when the week before everything may have seemed stable and safe. This is where your friends and colleagues that have gone through trauma and suffer anxiety know all too well about that normal life switch. For some it changed seeping away incessantly and for others it was in the blink of an eye the future will now never be the same.

There are of course people, who have had changes for the better. No more long commutes and are getting into working from home, but once this cycle of confinement is released, do you really want the entirety of that old life back? In the scramble to have it back is it everything you want and need for your future?

Angst doesn’t just sit with those that have lost, but also with those areas where you’ve had personal gains. Yes this level of change is impossible to compartmentalise and be kept safely under lock and key, never jumping out of it’s box and leaping into other areas. Even if your life is unchanged so many of those around you have; the undercurrent vibes of stress and anxiety will be softly poking at your subconscious day after day. Little things that never annoyed you now can feel like fingers being scrapped down a calk board. What will tomorrow bring? Even as there are moves to lift restrictions will this be the new normal or just a stepping stone to a future that wasn’t in any way of my choosing?

How many times did we dream in the past? What if I could do this or that or even just slow down a little not being pushed from one diary appointment to the next. Whether it was in business or personal, all too often it still seemed one big bloody rush. Yes you may get to enjoy some moments but they feel pressed, all too short unwinds not always a true releasing of tension with time to decompress and debrief one’s self. Let alone a chance to truly regroup and solve the problems of doing an unforced change of direction in life, plus then coming to terms with that physically or mentally requirements of any possible changes.

So instead of an alarm going off and the immediate need for coffee to help simulate your over weary body and mind back up to the pace of the days task required. The cold realisation that other things are possible. Guess what as a collective group the entire world is getting to experience what a lot of people with anxiety and or trauma have suffered in degrees of silence usually throughout their life. Those friends and work colleagues who have suffered low levels of anxiety or have been through trauma. Now is the time to tap that resource and get to know exactly what it’s like to no longer have a “Normal”. People that have lived through a before and a now. See through their eyes how the before can’t just be returned by hoping it will or should be, no matter how deserving you are.

When you suffer a trauma, what often happens is some minor or major part of life changes, never to return again. You are left striving to get back to what was your supposed normal pre trauma life. Except after a while if you realise perhaps that simply is not possible. If I keep chasing an imagined past because it is now only your version of the story from that past. We thought and believed it was our normal, yet now it simply can’t return, like anything in our past, it doesn’t come with a retrieval switch, no matter how much wishing, praying, pleading, good works, bullying, anger, temper tantrums or burying your head in the sand the past is just that, your PAST. Thus if you don’t want to drive yourself insane, you realise that there was no pre normal there was only your life at that this time, literally the here and now. Your life in this moment is your NORMAL. How many more seconds and minutes will you waste hoping for a return of the old life. Or will your choice be to strive to make it better in the now, endeavouring to enjoy and appreciate the little and big moments that come your way. Wallowing in sorrow and loss ultimately only hurt you. Don’t fall in love with that self destructive pain. Often some of the best resets come when you weren’t looking to reset at all. Before when you were in the cyclical trap and going through the motions of opening your eyes and making it through the day and then closing them again thinking tomorrow; I’ll reassess if this is what I need out of life. Ending up an a job you didn’t really mean to be in as it goes against your values or working crazy hours for things you now realise aren’t actually that important or must have after all.

Take that big breath. Slowly exhale. Pause and repeat.

It’s time to look at your life from afar, without the noise of everyday life and removed from fears that block our thoughts to the options and paths of change conceivable available to an open mind. Slowly let that focus come in closer. Then view yourself from the side and in the third person. Was it too hectic without any sense of growth or rejuvenation? Acting more like a misfiring scatter gun then a well equipped ship with state of the art navigation system, feeling the currents and tides but moving forward in the direction of your choosing towards the things that give you growth and joy. That purpose was impossible to grasp because the daily toil was too relentless? We were prepared to let growth and continued self discovery be smashed against the rocks so long as we stayed busy and we all lost sight that it’s often the simply things in life, can bring us so much joy if we actually have the time to enjoy them.

Perhaps like so many trauma patients the first step, is to begin by rehabilitation and assessment of your current standing. This usually starts simply with getting up and moving again to improve your overall health. Take charge of something you can control and not be sucked into the dark rumination of things you can’t. Commence with a slow steady walk, realising how important movement is to your physical and mental well-being. The sun and nature in general, aren’t only good for generating hot water and electricity energy off solar panels but also great for boosting grounding moods and vitality levels in human beings too. People have time to live even if other things may be curtailed; living is possible not just existing. So reset like that trauma patient and not get drowned in thoughts of what is lost but what is possible. Find your new anchors and interests don’t let COVID-19 label you. Feel the gift of stepping away from the grinding treadmill and truly seeing just what is important and what gives you energy. Being busy just so you can tell others how busy you are, isn’t a way to win at life even though our pre COVID-19 lifestyle gave you status for doing that. We were all living the sketch from Monty Python where everyone was comparing how awful their living conditions were growing up. “You lived in a box?” “We could only dream about living in a box.” “We lived at the bottom of a lake” etc and onward it went, the decent into how tough each of them had it. Crazy busy was the  catch phrase for being successful. Content and relaxed were seen as strange and obviously you didn’t have big enough ambitions or life goals. When did the mythical ship of satisfaction ever cruise into view because you sure were paddling hard enough to shift a continental plate and it’s ocean, yet the ship never appeared, only promising to be over the next horizon if you paddled just that little bit harder. Dig deeper try hard sweat more, rush faster! Like climbing an endless mountain there were great efforts to climb the summit in the last push only to discover it was yet another false summit and more effort was required and busier you needed to be to hold your status. Being effective and efficient at work and having a satisfying life were words used to describe a non go getter, lazily not putting in 110%. 😰

But wait there is good news. Unlike most people who suffer from a traumatic event or live with anxiety, right here now in this moment everyone is experiencing similar things and effects. So your not alone in your changes and thoughts. Millions of others are having this reset with you so you don’t have to feel like you’ll lose touch with everyone else’s present as they are on pause too. You can talk freely as everyone can relate to this moment and unlike most trauma patients everyone is experiencing the timeline together. That in itself makes a huge difference to how you share your story with others and bounce ideas and emotions off your friends and family, as they will regularly be feeling and thinking the same thoughts and having similar emotions.

The next part starts with a simple breath and the thought; this is where I am now, this simply is how it is, so make the most of this moment. Grab the NOW and take control of what you can; one step at a time because that’s what rehabilitation looks like. Think big and act small.

I hope this helped.

Good Luck.

How often when we are sitting outside the tent so to speak, either as a spectator on TV or from the sidelines and a player is suffering from nerves or loss of confidence and we pile on top. Just pull yourself together and get on with it! What a loser, if I had that much talent /skill I’d show no fear and it won’t even occur to me what I was risking in order to obtain success. I would expect my fabulous skills and confidence to pull off the most amazing win. Dazzling the crowd; hearing thunderous cheering and applause. The  record books would run out of ink as the records tumble, the future shaped by my courage to stand supreme.

The risk vs reward ratio is often much different in real life as compared to the fantasy we all like to hold in our minds. At different times in our lives this can hit us like a gigantic wave of hurtful self realisations. Not all these self realisations are true in the long term and some aren’t even true in the immediate short term, however they may be true to your ever present coping mechanisms, underpinned and re-enforced by our perception filters.

Coping mechanisms are there mostly to protect us. It’s just regrettable that during times of trying to achieve your own best performances, where our arousal is at or near peak attention these protective mechanisms can lead us further away from our desired outcome which means that our helpful brain kicks in even harder to protect us. Thus as we all know on an intellectual level confidence doesn’t remain on an ever upward projection. Yet emotionally we somehow believe it should be so, hence a reality gap opens up. A huge deep dark hole from which all our fears and anxieties get trumpeted and magnified. Seizing muscles and thoughts equally, making decisions and actions almost impossible to execute. Leaving plenty of food for the Monday morning couch hero to rip you apart. The greatest problem being, we are all too often our own greatest critic and rarely see the longer term progress only the short term fail, whether deserved or not.

I was like so many people, being that I was rarely filled with that unshakable confidence that things would just work out under pressure, I didn’t feed off the crowd or supporters energy (Which I know is possible for some personality types) to lift me into feats far beyond any of my previous training achievements. My safe place came from repetition and persistent training. Helping to nudge me in the direction of confidence and thus courage.

However my main hidden problem lay in the fact that I was trying to do everyone’s job. If you think of an airline pilot captain who didn’t allow the co-pilot to do any of their role and was consistently slightly over riding the automated systems. I worked hard to have the skill levels to do that successfully even under a fair degree of pressure. Needless to say though a moment would happen where I had to rely on my co-pilot (horse) to do his/her task without or with little input from me. Thus the unmasking of the truth of training would often result. In that moment of intense light leaving nothing to be hidden in the shadows, my partner would more often then not; be unable to step into the space I had left vacant through protective moments. The rule of not asking someone who has never been asked to practice their skills under calm inviting conditions; to suddenly succeed in a moment while going into the fire so to speak; then the chances of them doing it correctly under pressure reduces somewhat dramatically. Thus by protecting everyone form their roles in good times, I may have gotten them to a sense of shallow calm and confidence. However by not taking that next step in training and trust dynamics I was repeating a fundamental hole in training and improvement. This understanding, that no matter how well a task could be preformed, if I didn’t step away from others roles.  Through progress my role now should change, which meant a step back from some areas, and completely different expectations in other areas, thus showing faith in them completely, I hadn’t improved their performance outcomes only delayed and flatted the performance peak curve. The same is true of your own training, what are we at times hiding from and is that remaining practical. Play to your strengths yes by all means but equally know your weakness and how to deal with them if they are caught in the spot light. Training trust isn’t in itself one exercise or session. It’s an on going process to give trust and to receive generosity in return. Realigning expectations of All those involved otherwise progress isn’t really being made. Only made stronger for perfect conditions and more inflexible outside the tracks of preordained outcomes.

Another way to think of it for me was. If you have a hundred control levers that can be accessed and tinkered with does that mean you should be trying to be using them all? What if you put your resources into monitoring and maintaining three to five of those levers. Hence these become your foundational competencies and the stable platform from which everything else sits. This has a huge effect to help calm the mind and lays out your role and then asks for your partner to do their role from there. My job was not only to train my partner but more importantly build trust not just in that we could be in the same space but additionally I could bring my foundation skills and they could execute their job from that platform. Some of this came about from working with many horses to help re-establish trust which was often underpinned by just feeling comfortable and open to being in a space shared by a human being again. The block in training came when it was time to progress the roles and move trust from a concept to a complete trust in each others roles and making the most of what you have; not lean into the thoughts of what you don’t. Progress isn’t possible if you can’t trust your partner to evolve and make the most of their current skill sets, because trust and confidence grows from these moments not from continuously being protected from these moments.

The same is very much true in a coaching and leadership roles. It can be easy to train someone and work with them and even through them. It’s a far bigger step to allow them to have the foundational skills and understand the decision making techniques required for the situation so then they can be adoptive and gather better information for themselves and know in the future what’s important and whats white noise. Building their own decision making and action development and breakthroughs.

Aligning our emotions to the basic exercise of what is required by the bio-mechanics of the task at hand helps us over come our helpful minds protective instincts. Which sounds terribly easy doesn’t it. Yet we all know the truth lives in the dessert of despair unlike the oasis of hope that is green and full of rainbows.  While in the dessert we feel the sand dunes will never end, as your lips dry and crack, our skin peels. Your head is starting to throb from a headache and dizziness comes in waves. Do I need to know what’s possible first or what’s required? What will I and more importantly what should I buy into first?

Apart from breathing and making sure you are actually in the moment. Learning the skills to calm our mind’s and being able to keep moving our bodies. One of the overlooked ways to reverse this continually happening to you, is a good debrief, at times we put so much effort into planning and execution that the debrief is poorly constructed and simple fault finding exercise. A good debrief shouldn’t be about fault finding or finger pointing but a Safe Honest Constructive exercise and all too often needs to be practiced like any other skill to get the best from the examination of events.  Generally not only soon after the event but also in days following. Enough time for the emotion to not be red raw but can still be recalled as this is important. Leave it too long and we’re rewriting the story, too close and the emotion clouds often to much of the actual events. In that debrief going over action and decisions; what training outcome can be enhanced, changed and improved. Another important part is the making sure your goals are lining up with any re-occurring outcomes. Often we can set our goals, then incase them in concrete because we want to be strong and be moving forward, perhaps we are trying to keep up with a group or friend, and forget to adjust them to real world situation and events. Long term goals can generally broadly stay in place, however not addressing the need to re-direct short term stepping stones will mean ultimately the larger bigger goal will never be achievable. Staying on track, comes back to the confidence that things are under-lyingly moving forward. Otherwise the subconscious brain can already be going into protective mode. It’s important therefor for your stepping stones to regularly contain productive  wins. Which also means that being the case that those steps won’t always be in a neat upwardly direction. There will be some zig and zags as well as a few step that may need to be taken backwards so the steps forward again go back onto firmer bigger platforms. The reasons for these may vary like – not enough theoretical knowledge under pinning the attempt – the combination hadn’t formed a strong enough bond of trust – The rider wasn’t taking the leadership role leaving a void at critical moments – Fight, flight and freeze instinct kept re-occurring – Can’t hold a mental picture of the exercise and it’s requirements – One or both weren’t fit enough to do the program – One has just realised they are fitter, healthier and stronger and can’t stay focused – Decision loop is getting stuck or lost somewhere in the process – the realisation it actually wasn’t my real goal all along.

So which comes first Confidence, Trust or Courage?

To me I’ve found you often need two of the three to do a task that you may be quite unsure of or doing for the first time. It greatly depends how you picture these three different yet similar words painted in your mind space. I’ll give you a few examples.

The first being early on when I’d moved to Sydney for riding and rode a horse for one of the first times with genuine power and didn’t require momentum to get the scope required for jumping big fences. It’s one of those moments in life where we can’t picture and understand the difference until it is felt. So when my instructor patiently explained the exercise for the fifth time he happened to say you just have to trust this horse can jump out of this required canter for this exercise. Be patient and stable to allow the horse to show his talent. So what I felt in that moment was was yes I needed to trust the horse but also I need to trust my instructor which I did. So now I needed the courage to trust the information and calm to over come the conflicting emotions born from habits of opposition to this very scenario. Suddenly a door previously unseen opened wide and invited me to step through. Something that had felt impossible just a few minutes earlier was as easy as taking a breath and releasing. The task in of itself was easy, overcoming a life time of protective habits needed a sprinkling of trust, and courage.  Patience and understanding was required from everyone involved to allow the moment to happen. It couldn’t be forced or rushed I just had to get there in what every time frame that took. The question being asked was relatively small, the emotions to overcome were huge.

When I first did my fixed wing pilot training I had completed my first solo circuit on my own the day before. Which as every pilot knows is one of the most amazing experiences. A day or so later I was lined up to do my second set of solo circuits. Which would involve multiple take offs and landings. On the third landing approach I had just turned onto final when the training aircraft in front of me, also a student doing solo circuits over corrected with the cross wind and swerved back and forth across the runway. At which point the front wheel collapsed sending sparks spraying into the air as it slid to a stop. Pause; all this time it felt like I was watching him in slow motion. Then the slap of reality I can’t land there now. Trust the decision that needed to be made, it’s what all that training was for. With that confidence hit me to do what was necessary; even though I wasn’t feeling that confident. Full power, level off the decent, clean up the aircraft, climb and then tell the tower what I was doing. Having done emergency procedures over the last few weeks, stepping into that capacity while alarming and scary; it felt appropriate and comforting to have an immediate plan and follow up actions at hand.

Trust reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc., of a person or thing; confidence. As you can see these words often intersect each other. So then it depends what values you give each word in different situations. For me trust in the relationship either between you and the horse or you and the coach is the stepping stone towards wanting to show courage. The other part being trusting information either being imparted to you from the direct knowledge or theoretical academic knowledge learnt and used thus known to be correct and often hard won so you step up without being knocked down choosing the wrong paths. Hard won knowledge is the thing all students lean on their coaches for. Their knowledge and life experiences give a vast short cut to your training path. Some pitfalls can be dodged and lessons learned without pain of their failure adding to your anchor’s weight. Presuming the lessons left knowledge and gratitude; not dark clouds where the deep scars remain.

Courage the quality of mind or spirit that enables a person to face difficulty, danger, pain, etc., without fear; bravery. Courage to me often isn’t the grand gesture people mostly think of it as. It’s more regularly a small step of taking a breath and seeing the first action that’s required to begin the task. A bite size chunk that may lead to a gold medal or more likely a thousand other tiny bite size chunks to put a task together completely.

Confidence belief in oneself and one’s powers or abilities; self-confidence; self-reliance; assurance. Self-reliance the thing that can burn you and/or stand you back up. Too much of it and we never ask for help, not enough and we never stand up in the first place. The confidence I can solve this task and because I am both determined and hopefully open minded that if new information comes to hand I have the confidence to adopt thus showing my confidence isn’t based on headstrong inflexibility ie stubborn.

Empathy the psychological identification with or vicarious experiencing of the feelings, thoughts, or attitudes of another. Often we don’t allow ourselves any empathy and yet when learning a new skills or up skilling this is the person who needs it the most. Empathy doesn’t make us weak; empathy gives us the strength to fail and stand back up and try again rather then beat ourselves up for self failure.

So being confident and staying confident are rarely just the confidence in of itself. Recognising the layers confidence stands on can mean the difference of a slight “Are you kidding me’ moment and all the way through to “I’m out of here”. Choose how you react to confidence loss and courage moments but above all remember as always to breath, move your body and stay present.

Best of luck.

What are your personal lines in the sand for change or to maintain the work you started. The fires of 2019/2020 in Australia brought this question to mind that I often use in coaching in slightly different context but the same broad understanding. Where is your line in the sand for wearing a smoke/dust mask if there was no underlying health reasons for putting one on? At hazardous level? 5x hazardous levels? 20x hazardous levels? When your told you have too? When you’re the last person to put one on to show your independence or strength? For me it became the 10x+ hazardous conditions. I had moderated my outdoor work activities pervious to this which is hard for any one self employed when action relates directly to income that can have a huge knock on effect now and into the following one, two three, four, five and even six months. I had realised teaching outside all day was leading to headaches and fatigue in greater frequency, thus I was generally trying to finish between 2 & 4pm after early starts. The closer I could be to finishing at 2pm seemed to make it better for the next day and the day after. Closer to 4pm made the following day tougher on vocal chords and a general sense you’d smoked a pack of cigarettes and followed it up with a few strong drinks to give you a feeling of yuck and slightly disoriented. Of course my troubles where nothing compared to those closer or on the fire fronts themselves. The full price those people will be paying with their health conceivably won’t roll out completely until a good few months after the crisis and clean up has transpired.  Making the tough decision not to book clients in on certain days and if the situation lingered longer then expected to stand by the original decision and put your own and other people’s health and safety above and beyond the pursuit of money.

But what does leadership look like in your own life? How often do we think of leadership as something outwardly towards others; our leaders/managers. When the most important person in the world is left to drift from crisis to crisis without a rudder to help find the calmer waters on occasion and establish a better situation. Or worse we actively look to steer the rudder straight back into the crisis because this is the label we’ve unconsciously given ourselves.

Genuine Leadership is hard. Or at least that’s what we are lead to believe. Those that say it’s tough but only they have the capacity to lead are being disingenuous. Because everyone of us needs to have the courage to lead at least in a room full of one. The mirrored room where there is no escaping or dodging away from the role you need to play in your own life.

And guess what though? Leadership is hard, bloody hard at times. Especially when you have skin in the game. Leadership is all about consistently making choices.  Sometimes none of them are that great, but will they improve your future. Yes some definitely will, and some you’ll have to play the long game to find out, staying motivated and finding short term goals when the end isn’t insight. Damn that’s disappointing not getting immediate gratification!! The grind of life. Each day is a new with decisions to be made and good habits to be consolidated. A path to be found and treasures to be unearthed. Some days will seem unbelievably unproductive, some days boring, some days will be hard labour and others will be kick arse high five territory!

However to make decisions better and wiser, separating the thoughts and emotions from the action is required. By investigating and investing in your WHY, as to the reason for your doing. As the leader you need to be aware of where you are actually in this present moment. Possibly the ugly rare truth isn’t great, possibly you’re not doing too badly. Where ever that location is, it’s important because we can’t move forward if we don’t know where that is. The smallest step forward is still better then not taking one or worse not even realising you were going backwards and weren’t looking to address it.

The example being I’m too tired to walk today.

The WHY I was walking in the first place.

1. Gain mobility.
2. Increase fitness.
3. Stepping stone to other activities.
4. Weight loss.
5. Out in nature and all it’s wonders.
6. Connecting with the present moment.

Having more then one WHY makes it easier for those of us who don’t always stay steely eyed focused, to remain with the overall task in a scatter gun type way as not every WHY will hit the mark each and every day.  If you think of the answer for WHY as 1 & 3, then neither of these actions can be improved by not doing today. They also have a knock on effect by delaying everything else down the track.  I need them to be established first so they are strong and reliable to make tomorrow’s springboard ready to catapult me forward and the ability to take on opportunities as they raise. This doesn’t make todays walk easier, it only gives you a good reason to start todays walk and not sit it out.

So there is my WHY but as a leader should I be making my own workplace simpler or harder to achieve these goals? Hopefully if I’m a good leader I try to make things easier and progressive. Sometimes I might have to tough it out, If I rely on that thinking for every decision (ie I’ve got to show I really want this to prove it’s worthwhile) then I’m setting myself up to fail more often then not or take the easier option of simply resetting and starting tomorrow or next week or next month or worse next year or the ultimate handbrake; when I feel ready.

As a good wise kind leader that you are, instead of relying on willpower and self punishment.  You’ll instead put your hiking boots and poles in a spot to engage the enjoyment of WHY. Water bottle etc at the door or already in the car. Sunscreen and hat close at hand. Even leave a note or photo on the boots or poles to help with the WHY when the doubters are shouting from the stands. Calling you to join the crowd, it’s fun safe and easier over here. But you know your a leader now of that room full of one. And as a leader; some things you’ll need to do alone and often doing what’s right and necessary is done alone. Amazingly though once the why and the doing have become strong; suddenly you’re in a room full of friends enjoying your success and telling everyone who’ll listen how much they had faith in you all along. It’s amazing how crowded that room full of one can be; which is why you need to nudge yourself into leadership, because it’s never for just one version of you, your appealing to. There are many versions of you to get on board with and get everyone sharing in the same best version of you that aligns with your values and the WHY.

So then it comes back to the line in the sand. How many tasks would you skip, dodge, over-look, evade and find urgently needed business that rules out any possible chance of making time for who you want to be?

Goals are important.

Why’s keep you in the game.

Habits and structure reduce the need for consistently tapping into your dwindling battered confidence and willpower.

But having a line in the sand keeps you honest with the leader you must be to make the changes and progress necessary for empowerment for all the people in your own room.

Turn your own naysayers into a cheer squad that herald your success. Leadership isn’t about having absolute power but getting as much buy in as you can for the best outcome you can produce, your very own Personal Best.

Good luck.

Is it easier to deal with a set back after progress; or when you’ve been knocked on your arse for the twentieth time in as many months, days or hours?

No one can know that answer for sure until it’s them. We can hope we’ll get straight back up and be gritty and determined; sadly reality is often quite different. Lack of sleep and the emotional pain of failure or setbacks can sometime hit us like a sledge hammer or slowly press down on our chest until it seems like it’s simply impossible in any way to gulp anything but the tiniest breathe in.

I was given a reminder of life’s little setbacks recently. The pain that flooded back was overwhelming, scary, really scary and immediate. I had experienced a little bit of twitchiness a day or two earlier but that wasn’t unusual so hadn’t thought of it as a precursor to anything much more substantial. The pain was actually terrifying and crushing as it had arrived with such bewildering power and velocity, it took me a good few minutes to get my breathing under control and rebalance myself. I  couldn’t understand how intensely the nerve pathways had fired up and wanted to stay fully vehemently switched ON! The shattering weigh that descends down upon your brain and body is compounded by the panicking thoughts of “Wasn’t I past this?” “What the bloody hell have I done!” These words were pounding in my ears. I know it doesn’t make logical sense. The simple series of action prior to this moment, doesn’t equate to the searing pain I’m now experiencing. I can’t have re-broken anything – unless – is it possible?? Perhaps I’ve some how cracked a pin and then that’s done further damage I’m unaware of. Maybe I have! – my senses are spinning and my brain has been thrown into a dark pit. The trouble is the fear is gaining momentum; making me want to free fall all the way to the bottom. And the worst part is, I haven’t found rock bottom yet!!! The surges of pain; were the only thing lighting the murky blackness. Everything else has kicked into over drive as well. Sweating, shaking and fighting the urge to vomit.

This was me on an early June day 2019. Life had been good too me recently, We had been on two amazing trips over the first half of that year, each as transcending and life enriching as each other. Managing to be active and feeling quite robust. Really giving me a galvanising impression that things were on track in a beautiful encouraging whole of life way. My body was further and further away from the traumas of the past. Re-building and re-shaping is always one of life’s big continuous challenges, no one is immune from needing to work at staying strong and fit into ageing. However for that moment I was standing on my own hill top, proudly looking forward to possibly conquering bigger mountains in the future. I was allowing myself to have a little pride in the journey and the hard work it had taken to date to reach this view. Sure things could have been better and I could have stayed more narrow focused and progressed harder and faster. But let’s face it I wasn’t in my early 20’s any more. I had been in a similar accident nearly 20+ years prior and even then it had taken 6 days short of a year to get back out competing again. To be honest this time round even though it had taken 6 months longer I was standing on a much stronger foundation. No, on going, debilitating pain as the pervious accident had. Plus every single journey is different and throws up new challenges. Some give you free passes when you don’t expect it and others slam you down when you don’t deserve it. That first accident had left me with on going intolerable incapacitating pain for over a decade and a half. Then through a series of actions and events I had a complete switch, where I got vast improvement in my poor physical and mental state. This in turn lead strangely for a time where I had a very low threshold to pain however finally finding a good equilibrium.

Though the initial wash of pain subsided, it was the return of utter fatigue that shocked me the most. The weariness is a combination of feeling like you are in a drug induced fog, after having merciless collided with a concrete wall at 100km per hour, sliding to the floor without the ability to even lift a single finger. The effort required is simply now well beyond your resources capacity. Not the sort fatigue where, I need to get to bed a little earlier but the sort, where I could actually fall asleep while hobbling to the bed or the moment I sit down my eyes could close and a coma swept immediately over me that would make Sleeping Beauty’s thousand year slumber look like a short cat nap. It took a good few weeks to balance out again. It was through this period I knew I needed to start hitting the reset button. Getting a routine going again from what ever level it took to start – get active – get moving – find the light.

I leaned heavily at first on some health care professionals to make sure all was structurally intact. Then I got back to taming the nerves endings that had been smashed into emotional fragments during this period and sent everything into paralysing fear induced over drive. I’m lucky in this way to have found a team I can trust and talk with openly. Knowing the questions to ask makes such a huge difference, so I could quickly hunt down the answers I required. That doesn’t make the next steps any easier; however you are moving from a stable informed platform. Having fallen down the dark well of unrelating pain before and clawed your a way out. It gives you the strength to remain calm and open to finding workable growth solution. That knowledge prepares you for taking on the next unbearable overwhelming challenge. And that next challenge is, honestly dusting yourself off and standing back up. Starting again. It doesn’t matter if it’s the first, second or three hundredth time, you are starting again, and if you want to grasp a full life; with as many choices included as possible then rise up you must! What ever shape that takes.

During this time I was listening to an interesting podcast from Cloudbase Mayhem – Gavin McLurg  which actually describes it really well. He was taking about training and then doing a very gruelling adventure race called the Red Bull X-Alps 2019. All the training and lead up work is hopefully about climbing the top of your Performance Pyramid. So if everything goes well you are exactly at the very pointy end of the Pyramid during the race, giving your absolute maximum effort. Which is hopefully how it should be. However afterwards there is only one place to end up; which is on the downward slide of that triangle. He was basically saying win or lose your going to be on that back side of the triangle and how you pick yourself up from there is how the next few weeks, months or even years effects getting motivated again. Being hit with pain or anxiety is a lot like that pyramid moment except you didn’t realised just before that moment you were standing on that top of your pyramid because now everything is sliding down – how you handle that slide will make a huge different to the period you stay bouncing along at the bottom of your pyramid. Discover a reason, idea, dream, strategy for continuing to find a rational which allows you to shift away from self punishment either consciously or unconsciously. Don’t allowing the wounds, circumstances and invertible slide down the pyramid to turn you into the person you are not. Your past can either be embraced as a lesson or a weight to hold down your future recovery.

The five things I’ve found help me.

1. Try to find a goal, ambition or intention that drives the desire so the need to fulfil becomes fiercely strong. You can see in your minds eye that inspiration. Because if you can’t, then it won’t hold you through the tough times and/or de-motivating low moments.
2. Bite off a tiny chunk each day or week. Make the commitment strong and the task as easy as possible. Not the other way around, because than it’s simply not repeatable or even engaging enough to start.
3. Find a friend or professional that helps to keep you motivated and on track. There is nothing Truer then a hardship shared is a hardship halved. You won’t be motivated every day or time to do things, however if you have a friend who’s engaged too than knowing they’ll be showing up helps you too. If this consistently doesn’t, then check to see if the chunk is too big. Nothing is too small if it makes you build to repeatable success.
4. Keep reshaping the why. Make a journal in words or photos or even simple thoughts from the day that help you see the tiny gains of sand in the glass adding up.
5. Understand when the brain is trying to protect you and when it doesn’t need to anymore. It’s always nice to have a protective friend isn’t it. however that protective  friend often doesn’t give you GROWTH. Re-shaping how that protective friend works for you is actually the greatest gift of self care you can give yourself. Don’t be rude or angry at your friend (after all it is you) just learn the tools to understand and re-shape the conversation. Understand the cost of staying the same but equally buy into the cost of change, because initially it’s not going to be all sunshine and roses. We sometimes want the change and forget to account for the cost of change so once we set out, think the cost is too high. If you already acknowledge the cost before you start it’s easier to overcome the roadblocks and hurdles that loom up with any change. The courage to start and the habits to continue make change of any sort possible and lasting.

The featured picture is from the Kings Cannon NT area. The surrounding ranges face the setting sun. When I look at this photo now I think of those bright brilliant last rays of sunshine that light up the range and show cased all the gorges and jutting rocks to give them a last story before the shadows of the night swallowed them up. How many times do we waste those last rays of light each day and say I’ll start that tomorrow or I’ll begin my new life in the morning or after such and such. There was still brilliance to be had even as the shadows approached.  Tomorrow will come; however by then the brilliant from now will be in the past. Find a small baby step to do right now and soak up those dazing rays. Write the meal plan now, put out the joggers ready for the lunchtime walk. Even the must jagged rock has a chance to grab the last rays of light from each day and looks amazing in the moment. So grab your moment; talk to your protective best friend (your brain) and simply make a start in what ever shape that takes.

Good Luck.