Author: Ben Netterfield

One of the great privileges I get being an Equestrain/Leadership/Transition coach is meeting people in all different aspects of their lives. Some are being driven by their passion, others are fearful of that same passion, some are in a high point of their career/ life while others are feeling lost and jaded. Yet through it all we are all human and actively or subconsciously hope for a better tomorrow no matter where we stand in the now.

I taught two people today that let you see the pure joy of doing something they love. As the saying goes they weren’t’t riding for sheep stations but they were riding for themselves. Which is sometimes what we lose sight of in life. Yes there were things to work on and future hurdles to be over come but you know what that didn’t matter as they were enjoying where they were at right here and now. The future will arrive and hopefully by then they’ll be better equiped for it with the work they are doing right now. At this point it was about gaining confidence in their current skills right now. Sometimes as coaches we can caught up in developing skills to improve the future rather then making the absolute best of the current skill set and put more effort into enhancing the mindset around those.

Often what holds us back, is not that we don’t have the skills or tools but we just can’t picture literally when to use them and the outcome we can expect from them. Consistency of decision making and making sure decisions are enacted with some form of result is a critical part. Learning to assess the situation, make a decision, act on that decision and then re-check the results. People often get blocked in one phase of this decision loop or don’t keep repeating the loop. Riding is a sport where most decisions need to be made on the move and keep being made on the move, each moment is your moment to decide and act because it is the now once it passes you can no longer influence it.  People in leadership and transition aren’t under the same pressure to make decisions on the move however can get even more stuck in that decision making process as the action may be quite confronting.  The skills are often already there. They just haven’t been honed in this way to make the absolute most of those skills. Then we get to see who has been training who, the horse training it’s rider or the rider training their horse. Understanding these things and strengthening the foundation of how to make decisions, noticing what is important and relevant and what is back ground noise. Trusting the process and backing yourself are important skills to develop in riding and life.

Giving a rider confidence in their current skills before having the add to their skills set which often takes time and lots of emotional energy as they are then using new neons and requiring them to fire in the right direction. Anyone who has tried something new for the first time knows for most people whether the task is easy or hard, it’s still regularly confronting on some level. So as a coach if we can teach people to make the most of what they already have it also makes us look more for the positives and how can we enhance those not what is lacking. We are less likely also to place our own stamp on them. Our beliefs and expectations, while our experience is plainly important it’s not always as important in that initial stage as we may think as this client has come through life from possibly a very different course and needs to develop from that point forward not from your position forward. It’s a subtle difference however a very relevant one. As a coach you’re often thinking of scenarios and exercises in any form of coaching where as really watching someone and hearing someone with an open mind to see where exercises or conversations take you not where you have lead them can be surprising at times and fog clearing at other times. Something you had thought had no relevance may actually have a huge under current and influence in all aspects of life. Most people will try to compartmentalise their lives however there is often an unconscious overlap from one area into another. Finding those treads can make a huge difference to clearing a clients mind for better decision making on the facts and situation of now, not the decision from actions of the past.

Finding the right language to different people can be the difference between an idea and an action landed.  Nuances of words can tigger actions or leave it sitting as a possibility. For one person simply a broad statement will give them a picture and action strategy where as for someone else they’ll need a source for their tigger point. Understanding habits and emotions that go with them helps to then start the journey of change.

Enhancing what you have and developing skills for the future, what better reason to give yourself a fist pump because life can be hard but not every day is about riding for sheep stations. It can be just about enjoying where you are at and making the most of it.

9th November a knot in my stomach. Nothing serious just like being flicked every 30 minutes or so. A goal had been set and now it was all coming down to that point where the rubber hits the road. Time to muscle up buttercup and get it done. Good or bad know where you stand but stand up anyway.

12th November count down has hit zero! This is it no more preparation can be done it’s the moment of all or nothing. Best technique will make it as smooth as possible. Trust the process, trust the work and trust those around you and you absolutely must trust yourself completely. If it goes wrong you can reset and you’ve rehearsed for the good smooth launch and any problem that may come up. Breathe in breathe out keep looking up and step into the harness straps take the pressure and run. Look forward look forward. Hands raising up keep even pressure, legs getting faster close throttle completely. Run Run Run, let the risers go feel the brake pressure. Keep running touch the brake and the last foot leaves the ground. The immediate sense of joy. Flight has been achieved and for me few things compare to that lift into the air, freedom and exhilaration.

Flying up and down that coast line was just magical. At one point I was joined by a white bellied sea eagle. With a wingspan around the 2m it was a beautiful sight cruising along the coast line with me about ten metres off it’s left wing tip. Not a care in the world knowing I wasn’t a predator and just sharing the sky on this beautiful afternoon.  I peeled off and left that magnificent creature of flight to explore and hunt for it’s next meal while I went back to discovering the other side of the point at the end of the beach.

That was so much fun, now I can’t avoid the preparation for landing though. I begin by swinging my legs and ankles as much as I can to get the movement and blood flowing. I pictured the sequence of events and how the body’s responds to different weights and loading. One of the rare moments in life I rehearse it mentally going well without having to restart or deal with a series of pilot lead blunders happening in my visualisation. I’d looked at that landing on a few passes and had a good idea of my criterial points but I needed one more pass. Dave rightly had assumed I was off track and needed correcting and I didn’t let his voice fluster my thoughts except take the picture he was laying out for me on board and then doing a very definite go around as it was now absolutely clear the circuit I’d follow into my landing point. The only thing left was the courage to do it. Getting out of the harness and comfortable felt very committing, fly a good line on base controlling the descent rate. Picked my line through onto final and landing point. Turn without getting heavy on the brakes. This will happen fast let the wing keep flying though and cut the engine (when you cut the engine on a paramotor compared to paragliding you suddenly have a far greater sink rate which I used to find very off putting when I first did paramotoring training), feel the sink and importantly let the wing keep flying. Sand coming up, legs you can do this. Feel the brakes, ready to flare. Look up start pulling down as foot reaches forward make that leg take whatever weight is necessary and step into the next, take the weight. Even though the hands are pulling down legs need to be pushing up at the same time too. Flare has been good. Only needed to run a few steps. Turn around, pull the brakes and kill the glider. Wow it’s done, that feeling was why the goal was worth consistently reseting for and not abandoning. However it was later in that week that I was hugely grateful I’d done those resets because I needed that clear head the extra time and fitness the year had given me. Reflecting on that day I thought I could have probably done the flight if not 12 months earlier then certainly 6 months earlier. I was extremely pleased that I managed to tick off this project, but it left me with a slight sense of doubt as to wether my mind was putting up road blocks to make future projects that much harder to achieve. Though I did tell myself I had felt strong and robust, which will definitely be required over the next few days as I planned to repeat the process again and again to get some good airtime in under wonderful supervision.

The next day was a good test as it was practically nil wind so much faster longer take off and landing. The flight it’s self was gorgeous with wonderful views over the coast and inland. Managed some great thermals and got in another 90 mins in the air before landing. I was more glad of the extra time today spent rehabbing and getting fit for purpose but still maybe just maybe I hadn’t been as mentally strong as I thought I was. Maybe those thoughts of getting fitter to be really safe and confident were actually just road blocks from fear of failure and or injury. I’d felt rightly nervous and a little anxious strapping in and lying out the wing for real knowing I was going to launch a few days earlier. If you’re not at least a little nervous in that situation then you possibly haven’t done a very good risk assessment for the skills required and the situation I was in. However what if I’d let fear mask itself as safety concerns and actually I’d been holding myself back?

Day 3 everything changes. Take off today was challenging not in a scary way just in a skills being tested way. The wind was quite a bit stronger then the other days and I needed to be clear head and determined. Right get this done type of way! Can’t second guess yourself and commit to doing. Half assed so to speak will get you into a lot of trouble quickly. I didn’t want an over powering wing dragging my back around as well as carrying 25kg+. Job done in the air.  Lumper stronger conditions then the last few days but with the white caps changing the oceans landscape today gives a great reason to explore the different altitudes and wind gradient. This allowed you to almost hover with the right power setting and trimmings. Very cool flying conditions of bobbing up and down hovering and turning into and away from the wind.  I’d probably been in the air close to an hour when half way through a turn a little surge then a second, the first unconscious thought was the wind was kicking in more as it was gusting slightly more at times though still very flyable. Perhaps my finger had slipped off the throttle during the turn. Then the third surge and nothing.

This is where that extra 12 months came to the fore. During an engine out close to the ground everything must be clear. Aviate, Navaigate, Communicate. I finished the turn so I was now facing into a landing approach, just a minute before the engine failed I’d decided to increase my height and set my line a little more over the tree line to allow plenty of room between myself and some horses that were being lead along the beach. I’d lifted my height not only to clear the live stock but in this strong wind I knew getting back to the beach with an engine failure would be tough and increased my safety margin. Once they were well past I started the turn when the engine failed. I had time for one quick pull on the engine cord it was in that moment that the extra physical training paid off. My mind if unsure of my body’s abilities to cope with the landing stresses would have put more emphasis on the restart and gone for at least two or three more pulls thus making the landing chaotic at best.  However instinctively I trusted my body and wanted to prepare best for landing rather then the hope of re-starting the engine and thus trying to avoid the landing at least for now. Trimmers in, out of the harness and ignore the radio questions for the moment they can’t help me now. Clear the little rough boggy dune and very shallow turn more into wind, very quick rehearsal of what I’ll do once I land as the wind isn’t going to play nice with my wing. Look up breathe out and here comes the sand. Land turn and grab for the C risers oops missed and the sand was heavier then I’d hoped so keeping up with the wing harder. Wrap the brakes and keep wrapping after quite a few frenetic foot steps the wing is completely down and not flying anymore. Huge sense of relief  washes straight over me not because of the engine out and not ending up in the trees, but because I knew if my body and mind had been weaker they would have gone searching for another solution and that would have turned a situation from bad to worse very quickly. Time I just didn’t have and I was so pleased I’d been situationally aware of my surrounding immediately and the decisions required to have the best outcome. Perhaps pushing that goal back wasn’t dropping the ball but finding a way to carry the ball better and unconsciously so when in trouble I didn’t require it to be a conscious thought thus clouding my judgement.

So I discovered of course I was understandably nervous about preforming the task however while the body took quite a while to come on board, what I’d actually suppressed in part during that time was the mind had struggled in each stage of recovery to picture actions and sequences of body parts fluidly flowing from one task into the next. Whether it was age or a longer period of traction and or lots more heavy brain fog this time, that part had been much slower and more difficult compared to a very similar injury 25+ yrs earlier. Apart from the ankle the rest of the body recovered at about the same pace, give or take a month or two here and there to perviously, though much more fundamentally stronger and less long term pain this time because I knew this journey and how best to get the basics done before the incorrect muscles and motor skills were adopted. However while there had been pitfalls, goals falling by the way side and smashing some crazy ones along the way. These were all easy to chart both good and bad. A pin could be put in a wall and say yep there I was at this point in time and that’s what I could do. Myles could run tests and say yep here’s where we are and here’s where we are aiming to get to next. On reflection I realised all along that my mind in a physical way wasn’t always keeping up with my body or activities. Anything beyond walking and simple daily activities I had to re-write and wire for my brain and importantly re-picture. Running and particularly any form of jumping or hopping would leave the brain with just a blank page that hadn’t yet been written and more importantly the feeling there was no pen with which to write it. Thus the brain was slow to pick up any new activities and always had a protective handbrake on. Not that the brain was doing a big in your face NO! More it just couldn’t possibly see how something needed to occur so that meant it was always doing a subtle underlying quiet no. Though thousands of small decisions I’d unconsciously kept challenging my brain to keep going and hadn’t let thoughts of blank papers overwhelm me but it had caused the time lines to be pushed back. While I did question that at times I guess I didn’t question the fact I was still making progress so would get there in the end if I still really wanted it. Sometimes I get caught up in the time line and not the progress or challenges I might be over coming on the way. Each of those challenges are their own victories and I hadn’t always recognised them for their importance and how they kept laying the solid foundation for the end result and project. Be careful to see where your handbrake is and don’t let time lines push you into failure or giving up. Progress is still always progress even if it’s not a straight line at times. I wish you every success into your future and hope you’ll always have the strength and growth to find the path of your chosen goals.

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A big enduring and heart felt thanks to all the wonderful people that surround you during recovery!

Recovery ultimately in the end comes down to you and there’s no hiding from that.  However it’s also a team effort, who can feel at times more lost and helpless then you. Wanting desperately to change things or take on the burden that only you must endure. The load can be lightened and shifted though so it doesn’t have to bury you in darkness. Asking for help can be confronting but it also can be uplifting when people come above and beyond to help out. Not everyone will react as you hope but then neither will you. Life is different. Sometimes you mightn’t even realise that you were part of another persons weather system.

What if I walked up to you and punched you hard in the stomach then tore you verbally down because you’d scared me and I didn’t want to see you hurt again. Would you think this was extremely odd way of explaining to someone that you challenged my own mortality!

What if instead I smothered you in love and proceed to cover your life in bubble wrap. Taking OH&S to the limits of insanity. Does that show more caring then the punch to the stomach?

What if I was too scared to let you dream again and smashed them with ‘YOUR’ reality sword. Slashing and stabbing it into little tiny pieces before realising that was your light in a very dark tunnel.

Myles my strength and conditioning coach is one of my perfect examples of how during recovery you interact completely differently with those around you. Obviously early on it was through acts of my own stupidity ie the accident that I ended up under his malevolent eye and every session my mind would be in a consistent battle screaming out why oh why am I back here!! Of course there were times when the mind won and I’d use a good excuse to cancel. 60% of the time they were from actual life’s road blocks for what ever reason to not make it there and the other 40% were from things that had happened but I used them to say “Nope can’t possibly make that workout today!” Of the 60% though it was a case of 50-50 relief I couldn’t make it and have to gear up my mind to just get there and 50% regretting not putting myself in the way of progress. So getting there was tough but then being there brought out a whole new tribe of doubts. Now let’s get this out of the way first Myles is wonderfully encouraging/consistent/persistent/thought provoking supportive professional. He took ages to help me get my muscle structure even again and stretch through different regions of my body as the scars healed and then allowed tension to be put through them to break down the tissue structure and get complete movement back. So he is a caring professional and fun to be around. However in that first 18 months when he spoke mostly all I could hear was dread!! Dread of the pain to come and the tiredness/sleeplessness to follow. Then finally I had some glimpses of stamina which meant I could get through warm up with out the mind screaming at me the entire time why why why!!

Fast forward to today and Myles talks me through the program and while I’m not doing cartwheels around the room I’m thinking I can get this done. Don’t back down no giving in. Plus in the car on the way out I could think it’s possible to go and be active where as before if I had a big few days coming up I really had to plan out my energy, requirements and make sure what was possible and what is a bridge too far. I was very aware of the tank of energy and how it drained and the time frame required to get it off empty and to get it back to survivable levels.

Before his words no matter how he delivered them could send an involuntary shutter down my spine. Now I can joke and banter without it being a mask to hide behind as I gather the last sinews of strength to get it done and crawl out out the door.

What I’m trying to say is some people in our lives are actual storms and should be avoided others are storms we need to bear in order to learn from, grow from and strengthen from. Sometimes in your most weakened state your still stronger then you ever were before and then hopefully you’ll rediscover what was once lost or better still grow into something better, far better, what ever shape that is.

Now Myles never did a misstep or caused unknown offence though it is an easy thing to do as it is often the receivers interpretation and mood of their broken mind or body. He did cause pain but that was his job to be honest. Having recently listened to a podcast about burns victims journey through recovery thankfully neither Myles or I had to go through that level of rehab that is truly hard core and I’m glad I wasn’t requiring my brain to gear up to that level of pain noise.

Myles is one of the people who packed my parachute and is most definitely in my weather pattern. As I said I managed mostly to see the growth in the storms he sent my way as I trusted the storm was for my long term benefit even if I was going to get very wet and cold as it passed through. Sometimes even the foreboding scary storms are for your benefit long term.

But what’s it like for those who are your weather pattern? Those that care, Those that have to take an active role and those that can’t or won’t. Not everyone can be involved in your recovery some for reasons of distance or time and others for how confronting it may be, and for a thousand reasons in between. People you thought had your back turn out to be fair weather sailors and others dive into stormy waters without hesitation wearing only a life vest and state what can I do. All these people come with their own beliefs/values/references/experiences and voices/actions. Often their sense of hopelessness and or feeling useless can lead to emotional out bursts or withdrawals. Also as I’ve written before their time marches on which can be very confronting in this social media age where everyone has a perfect life on their social media account. Full of interesting things and amazing places. They are still climbing those mountains and crossing those rivers where as you simply can’t sleep. Trapped in the dark only the light of social media blasting in, time standing still. Dreams and nightmares swirling together nothing making sense nothing seeming fair.

My sister who had suffered the intrusion of many hospital visits and procedures in her formative youth. This underpinned certain beliefs and expectations of hospitals which were totally  understandable. I know from a big accident in the early 90’s my view of hospitals was very different to today. She showed more courage then me to visit because she did it out of choice when her turmoil was at times spilling over as I’d do exercises on the floor in obvious sweating pain. Watching a paragliding DVD, saying how beautiful is that valley. I know she wanted to shout “How bloody stupid are you! Wanting a view like that, almost claimed your life. Just how dumb are you??!!” My sister is wonderful but she can be blunt at times. However She understood that was very much my joy and even through it totally disagreed with her beliefs and values she kept that violent tropical storm to herself and held onto it. Later down the track we’ve spoken of her feelings and how hard she found it not to project her own fears onto me and also let my experience help let go of a few of her own. So at most I coped a misty drizzle and not an electrical storm with a 300km per hour gust fronts. Because of the fog of pain and belated brain injury at that stage I was only very vaguely aware of how much discomfort she was in.

Weather like human interactions isn’t a static thing that operates only in isolation and never gets outside it’s own box, it flows and cascades, bursting and creeping into far reaching places some of which may be obvious others can seem like a galaxy away. Those close at hand but not directly involved often take the weight of worry which means with a random phone call or text, you’ve now been transported from earth’s 1:1 gravity to Jupiter’s 2.4 times that of earth gravitational pull, weighing and crushing you down. What can you do? What do you know? Often the smallest things make the biggest difference. Listening, talking, grabbing coffee, food a funny meme. Some days it’s just good to have a gripe and other days it’s surprisedly good to hear a good gripe. One thing to do though which I’ve found useful both ways is after a conversation or visit send a text 24-48hrs afterwards and see how that landed. A funny story can be turned into despair or a sad story can light the fires of challenge you just honestly never know however don’t be afraid by that and tip toe around until you end up with no relationship or friendship at all embrace the change. Not all change is bad it can be just different at different times. Thought provoking can happen from any number of situations depending how it lands and sits. Then talk as it’s impossible not to have a misstep somewhere along the way for the simple reasons of pain tiredness and scared if nothing else.

Who’s reflecting who? Who has positive language, who has doubt. Which clouds have a silver lining no matter how dark they are? It’s important at times to stand back and really see where the weather systems are trending and see if that’s a positive thing over all. Or is everyone consistently getting drowned in cold winter down pours.

People around a person in recovery or involved in any number of life’s challenges have at any one time numbers of weather patterns around them. Some are warm fronts and others are cold fronts with embedded storms that maybe seen from a distance like looking across a vast plain easily seeing storms crossing the expanse creeping or rushing towards you. Other times they are hidden and arrive like a flash flash flood or gust front. No time to seek shelter just bear the brunt as best you can. Some systems are in flux and can be running hot and cold without any warning and definitely don’t appear on any 7 day forecast.

What of your closest carers and loved ones. All too often it’s not as much, how are they coping with the event. But how they are coping with their now conflicting interacting weather patterns. They may need to be the source of information both good, bad and unknown. Their mask may be thicker then yours or ever so brittle as they must relive things with every telling. They can stay in as much or more relived trauma then the cared for. Whilst you have no choice but to be living it they of course do. It’s these people who are the real heroes of any recovery. They don’t have to be perfect or always on, this is real life no-one can possibly be on 24/7 but they can only do their best. Allowing them to be that is in part how they can operate, feeling a valued contributing member of the team. Like the patient though everything catches up at some point and exhaustion sets in. Rest and recovery is required for them and is often overlooked. The common failing we all fall into is getting back to work and returning to what is your new normal. The effort required is enormous to this point, but now people on the outside are back slapping you and your carer how wonderful you all are problem solved/job done. Life moves on as you’re all good to go, back to your new normal. However now the emotion and adrenaline are starting to wash away and either the weather patterns are moving away or like you exhausted from the huge cyclone that moved through your life. So what you think is the storm passing is actually it’s eye rolling in above you and those closest to you. The calmness and sunshine edges you towards exhaustion as you let your guard down. Job’s done. However getting to your feet turns out to be the easy part, remaining standing is the hard part. From the outside this will seem crazy. For friends, family and work colleges, scheduling with a high level of importance an actually holiday every 6 months and a few mini breaks is a must. Because even through to other’s you seem to have been on holiday from work or life but once that eye of the storm moves on and the false sense of calm is disturbed. Then the cold hand of weariness arrives and no matter how strong you or your inner circle have been they need a proper recharge moment. This is all too often over looked as to others you’ve only just returned to life now your going on a holiday. Will thats not fair!

If you take nothing else away from this blog it’s that mini breaks to actually recharge is important for you but even more so for those closest to the recovery storm. Those who have stood in the way of your dark clouds and crazy wind gusts. They have been possibly cocooned from and with you as well as their own circle of friends and family, now an isolated weather pattern trapped in a vortex that will see them looking at the world from afar, nothing serving to restore their ability to break back into a other weather patterns thus generating new life as life is always consistently on the move and in change. A person in isolation either as the survivor or as a carer will slowly whither and this is one of the many hard parts of trauma, anxiety or depression, reconnecting not just to those of your past but to those of your future. Renew and growth is healthy for everyone. Life is different but that doesn’t necessarily mean it’s a bad thing just a vision of growth usually comes with change. You never know what’s around the next corner, further challenges and/or new adventures.

This is where a big switch needs to pop up from the floor so you can understand what’s required moving forward. It’s the time to reconnect in a genuine way with your circle of friends and family; mask’s off and see how everyones actually doing. That circle of people who care about you will fill you with stories and happening that let you leap forward in time if you’d been stuck in your own small bubble. They will let you see life in fast forward.

Not all your weather needs to be kind in fact all to often it helps you pick yourself up when the weather is tough and learn to be resilient.

What lessons do we learn from storms?

I learned to ask for help and importantly allow others to help, some things only you can stand alone; but so many other things can be shared not in a social media way but in a interactive heart felt way through forms of human contact that make a genuine difference. I learnt that other peoples emotions don’t have to become yours. Know when some people’s fears/worries/beliefs can’t give you strength if not directly suppress you. There is always two sides to a coin and on the other side are those that will inspire you by the courage in the face of fear and change; those that laugh and protect, that push you to get back up and hold a hand out when you fall down even when tears are rolling down their cheeks. Courage comes at a price but it’s well worth paying that price in the quest of recovery. No one showed more courage or inspired the will to keep moving forward and not being stuck in the past of what if’s then my partner in life Clare. Mary Seacole (1805-1881) was the true nurse hero of the Crimean War and largely went unnoticed through history and yet she was undoubtedly a National Treasure. This is how your closest helper or helpers will be to you. Definitely don’t get the recognition they deserve but to you they are National Treasures.

The best shelters are both practical as well as artistically pleasing and this is your goal to shape your self for the weather as you choose life and the way you want it to unfold. Good luck and the best medicine is apparently to laugh through the darkest storms because life hasn’t beaten you yet, and plan for that getaway or activity that will make it all worthwhile. Reconnect slowly in every way and live your new life. Good luck.

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In September 2015 this man was my emergency services trick question. In an effort to see if I was suffering from concussion or had a brain injury. Of course I got it wrong as they gleefully informed me Malcolm Turnbull had just rolled Tony Abbott for PM of Australia. So we both were both having pretty huge days for very different reasons. Part  of my recovery was interlinked with his progress. Like when he celebrated one year in the job and then two.

His milestones gave me markers of my own and distance from the accident. Helping me both to look back seeing improvement, with the assistance of prospective and to look forward too see whats possible. Can I challenge myself to leap forward or is it time to put in a little self care and stabilise the platform I’m standing on before launching again.

He had moments of triumph and rode the crest of hard work paying off. He also ran into road blocks, some of his own doing and others were EXTERNAL (Abbott)! It felt in a way a very connected journey from our date in September. Now his path goes on a very different direction much as mine did nearly three years ago. Hopefully like me he’ll find while change is tough at times. Beauty can be found even in the darkest places and the sun will rise in the morning as a new day begins. Time to stand back up and find a way to see the scars of life in the mirror, have given me the strength to endure not the weight to be torn down. Be the best you can be that day no matter what shape that takes.

So in a weird way thank you Malcolm for giving me the gift of marching time when I had lost mine and I’m sorry we won’t be sharing our three year anniversary soon.

They say you never know if you’ve bitten off too much until you start to chew. Some mornings getting out of bed and putting socks on takes an awful lot of chewing, but if you don’t do that you don’t get to walk out into the sunshine. On go the socks and let the sweating, sucking in of big breaths and chewing begin.

To truly live life there are two sides to everything Joy/Sadness, Success/Failure, Pain tolerate/Pain overwhelmed, Adventure/Inaction, Fear/Courage, Growth/Stagnation,  Love/Heart ache, Endure/Discontinue, Accept/Reject, Commit/Stop, Motion/Inertia.

Fear is a word, we all know the word. Once spoken each of us will have something lurking in our sub-conscious or perhaps right there in our conscious thoughts that we can bring to the forefront in an instant and let the demons of our imagination play the nerve endings like a child learning violin. Fear can gobble you up, or feed on you slowly devouring little parts of your flesh and consuming your very character, bleeding your strength to stand back up and your will to see things with any form of prospective or rationale. However the treasure we seek is often hidden in the cave we fear to enter. Going through the ‘pain’ is that dark cave for me. Unfortunately it is equally true for me, the only way to improve pain is by going through it. So headlamp on, spare batteries packed as this may take a while. Off I must go by putting one foot in front of the other until the headlamp has done it’s job and I have travelled far enough through rehabilitation so I can turned it off and the real walking and grind continues.

2017 I was on a flight to Bali with my family. However fear was slowly tapping at my conscious thoughts and sapping my strength I was chewing like crazy but I wasn’t sure if this time I’d bitten off way too much. I had been expecting fear and doubt to rear their ugly heads on this trip. Does it make it any better? No; to be honest it definitely doesn’t change the sensation but you are ready to address the situation . I knew why, over the previous 22 months I’d spent many hours going through rehabilitation in an endeavour to get back to basic health and movement and to a large extent I now had. So to me for the first time I was in a position that in my mind I actually had something to lose with activities and adventures. The risk vs reward was in a much different context, as before I was always in pain and it was only the depth that varied from agony to catastrophic. Now there was light in the tunnel so if I over did it or caused too much strain on any number of old injuries, I could be left with another long rehab and or lose of function. Writing this blog I know how it turns out however in the lead up I can say the doubts were piling up against my inner walls trying hard to flood over my defences and leave me sinking into the abyss.

Forks in the road. 3am and Dave’s smiling face comes into my headlamp beam.
“How you going?” he asked.
Dave isn’t in my very small inner circle but I definitely consider him a friend; as you should always have a friend who holds some of the keys to very cold adventures and goals as a friend and this Dave well and truly did. However was he at that point in time. Hmmmm possibly not, more like the captain of my pain threshold at that moment.
This trip had been postponed for a few times due to volcanic activity once and also fairly traumatic injuries suffered in an accident almost 2 years previously. So this adventure had taken on a sense of resetting the benchmark and slaying a few demons that lurked far off in the hidden cupboards of my mind.
So here I was on the side of a volcano possibly close to an 8th of the way up though I’d told myself just before I saw Dave’s face appear out of the darkness I must be at least a ¼ or maybe even a 1/3 haha! How was I going?
Truthfully my ankle was killing me, the pain was firing through my body and making each step both painful and difficult as it was hard to develop power consistently for each ascending footfall  and I was scared I won’t be able to do it. In all honesty at what point do you hit the “No mate I need to head back down this is too much for me!!!” Where do you reach the point of no return. Partly what helped drive me on is the fact I’m a paragliding pilot and part of the adventure was to trek up Mt Agung and then strap myself  into a harness and let my glider float me down effortless to the fields far below near the coast.
At this stage it was that picture in my minds eye that  drove me on. So I simply replied making a joke that I guess we were about ½ now and the rest of the trek will become easier. Dave laughed and said yeah we were possibly half way through the tree line but even that was exaggerating the truth a bit. He looked again at me and at moment we could hear most of the rest of the group up ahead stopping as the guides were making an offering. I smiled and simply said it’s funny how the least of my injuries from 2 yrs previously was now giving me the most grief but I’ll be ok. Definite male bravado kicked in and off I continued.
Hours and hours and hours later well and truly past the point of no return now. One more step one more. At this time the sun was coming up and we’d got past the tree line with an epic view of the mountain side coming into a light show just for us. At this stage I was with a group of flat landers as we liked to call ourselves. We had each grown up on the vast plains of Australia and as such our muscles (or as my core strength and fitness trainer Myles likes to tell me I thus have a pancake bum far from the bums of steel,  which is what he’s working on developing) aren’t at all geared for up hill ascends rather for long open rolling stride that let you hold a continuous pace for hours in the hot sun and cover vast horizontal distances. There we were joking and pausing to look at the views and encouraging each other to keep going. “Only a little bit more!” God knows how many times we repeated that phrase! The mountain wasn’t breaking us we were breaking it. Mean while monkeys skipped past and giving us little attention unless we paused for food or water then we became a passing interest just in case something was left behind. I was too tired and fatigued at this stage to really feel the pain anymore. I’d added to my mental picture of the flight down and how proud my partner would be once I got back to the motel. All her hard work doing the long months in hospital and during rehab this would also be a reward for her not that she needed it to be pleased with the progress I’d made. She had always been generous well above the call of duty and hadn’t complained when my sleeplessness had effected her own for many months as she continued to work days and look after me all other hours of the day and night. This was for me but it was also to show those around me all their efforts had been worth while because look how far I’d come. Trudging up this bloody volcano with the sun rising and the terrain getting steeper. One more step, one more step makes you closer. The other huge advance I had was there was one from our group who was still further down the mountain. I’m not ashamed to admit I used his presence to help keep spurring me on. I don’t know what kept driving him on because in my mind he was my hero. He’d been struggling worse then me from very early on and during the dark hours I’d seen his headlamp below me still moving and during the day light hours I would  see him coming around a corner or over a crescent and there he’d be continuing on no matter how weary he would seem at times he kept coming and that drove me on too. He’s not quitting so neither am I.
Then finally the rest of the group was there. Hooray I’d made it. Sit down and enjoy the fact the job is done. The view was breathtaking and that effort and risk was starting to wash away. All I had to do was take in the view and then prepare to get set up for a launch off the the mountain.
Expect of course that’s not what happened, the wind gods weren’t in our favour and instead of flying down towards the coastline below the decision was made to walk back down. This was both the greatest test of my resilience to date and the least. The first two hours or so was both scary and extremely painful. Side stepping, slipping, sliding, terrifying small gravelly stones that rolled the moment your boot was placed on them that sent a shot of sharp pain up the pelvis and spine, and crawling down on your bum so as not to fall off the mountain. To take my mind off the fear that was spreading through my body like a winter man flu virus I kept repeating to myself with every step. “It’s just like a big session with Myles (Core fitness and Strength trainer)” Could even see his smiling face and words of encouragement. “Buns of steel!” “Love the burn!” He is consistently telling me I have a pancake bum. Possibly this was one of those times big stable glut muscles would have been really handy, but alas this is what I have for now. Instead all I had was, what seemed like  the burn from doing a million crunches.
So all this inner struggle raged inside my exhausted body and mind. Can I honestly put one more foot down in front of the other. Can I risk it, do I want to risk it, how much will it hurt this time? The other side was coming up with the simple and truthful argument. Well actually this is the only way your getting out of this situation and the only way that’ll happen is by continuing  to move. One bloody step at a time!! Life can be tough like that. As Winston Churchill once said ‘If you’re going through hell. Keep going!’ So onward I went. The trip down became tough and everyone was finding it so. I definitely wasn’t Robinson Crusoe in my suffering. Small groups of us came together to just be in each others company and laugh, joke and poke fun at our situation. We were all physically tired and our brains were fatiguing too. Which made for some very funny moments that only made sense to those on the hill at that time but to us they sparked the energy to keep going. Then sixteen hours from when we’d all left the motel I was back there. What had seemed like a life time was in fact less then a day. Less then a day of pain and yet the fear shredding monsters that had swirled in my mind pre-trek had made the possibility of further injury and a whole heap more suffering seem worse then the accident itself. I had thought my pain and story was the only one that mattered on that mountain and in a way that was true as I was the only one who could keep going, in my own little moment; however it wasn’t the only one on the mountain. It fact apart from the huge sense of achievement in setting this goal and managing to see it through. I got to hear and see other people’s journey, be inspired by some and gob smacked by others. These guys all kept going when it was tough, some thrived, some went ballistic, most slogged it out. Many doing it for reasons you could never have picked form the outside cover they showed to the world. But the effects of the mountain stripped that all away leaving connections outside your own inner sphere. Pain and trauma can often leave you feeling singular but the mountain joined the dots of similarities and helped you to feel, yes your story is unique but our thoughts, fears and anxieties can be very relatable.

This trip had it all a goal carefully laid out with strategies for different milestones and markers to reach. Things were ticked off and progress towards the final intention, however most of the time I wasn’t smashing out the markers I’d set out, merely just getting to them at best. That was frustrating at times and cause for more then a little anxiety at other; but progress was mostly going in the right direction so I needed to accept this is where I’m at. The effort both mentally and physically that was being put in at times was basically all I could sustain with any form of consistency so as to not burn myself out. I was very conscious of my fatigue levels, so for better or worse recovery vs improvement meant choices. Some were made for me when the brain fog descended like a disorienting weight slowly pulling you into a unfocused state of weariness. Others were choices of hoping you are doing the right thing. Listening to your body to rest at times and yet, dragging your arse out of bed and making yourself do the work at other times. The trouble with recovery you aren’t always sure which is which. Trusting the program and knowing when things are extended and need to come off maximum effort and when to just keep trudging through the grind.

Set backs and hi fives from what seemed like nothing at all except to me. One of the big “OH YAY” events came just three weeks before getting on the plane I had a moment after a gym session where I wasn’t utterly exhausted from the session and I could walk back to the car without feeling I was surrounded by a painful exhausting soul fog. I finally had achieved a sense of stamina again at long last. Prior to that every session had come with a personal cost that never seemed to over lay the progress but that session was different. That session was a definite win for the home team, a boost to the confidence and let’s face it ego.

Five days before the climb my ankle had totally seized up and I couldn’t even walk up a slight incline without it giving me waves of stabbing pain. I was feeling very anxious and defeated. All that planning work and I won’t even make it to the base let alone the top. I had to calm my thoughts which were in racing hyper drive. All that actually mattered was to solve the problem. Luckily we were staying in a motel with access to stairs and off I went to walk and walk and walk climbing up and down the stairs. The first two complete rotations of bottom to top required me to hold onto the hand rails and try desperately not to swear at least not out loud every time my foot hit the ground. By the third lap I wasn’t holding on and only swearing a little. Nearly two hours later and I was in a place mentally were the climb was back on. The ankle wasn’t great but it was acceptable and with good walking poles I felt I could pull this off. The risk vs reward had tipped in my favour just had to keep moving as much as possible between now and then.  Life is so often about momentum even if you can just keep crawling, keep shuffling and stay engaged, though it doesn’t seem it, it’s a huge advantage over life’s complete stop. Wiggle a finger and blink and your still shuffling forward.

Mission well and truly accomplished, success!!!
Does it get any better then that? Well for 3 to 4 weeks I absolutely floated on cloud 9 feeling proud with my huge sense of achievement, my body and mind felt clear and Fittish for the first time in years.. However then the crash came, I was exhausted. So tired and needing comfort food and drinks to make it into the afternoons. I re gained weight and skipped gym sessions finding excuses. I needed a new goal to help me get back on track. Nothing came to mind and I bounced around for ages getting frustrated and waves of motived and de motivated. Unrealistic challenges and others that were cancelled outside my control. Drowning in tiredness from being a rudderless ship, the feelings of being pathetic in not being able to land on a direction or find a path. The mind can be harsh and impatient at times. Sometimes order can’t always be demanded from the chaos of daily life.

Finding a meaningful goal after doing something epic is difficult at times. Especially when your not in some form of cycle. A sport’s person on Olympic 4 year cycle or season to season build up etc. Time just rolls on, not caring if yesterday was epic or just getting out of bed worthy it only matters to you. Still we all won’t mind some marching in the streets fanfare at times for our own Personal Bests, as that’s what life’s about. Achieving our own PB’s. Getting socks on under 10 minutes without being drenched in sweat. Reading two or three sentences on a page without getting a headache and remembering what you just read, five minutes later which is what brain trauma feels like.

Until I came to the conclusion I didn’t need an immediate big goal I needed to be in the right position so as to be open for an opportunity when it arrives both mentally and physically. Now I had something to sit with.
“Getting knocked down is tough. Getting back up is hard, but sometimes the greatest battle you face is staying up..!”
The simple goal of relaxing, doing the best you can in the now, and keep progressing. Means remaining open and exploring different avenues for possible adventures then being ready to  line up and take them. 6 months later three opportunities started to fall into place all at once and now I can plan my next big adventures and keep looking for something beautiful and interesting in every day that I draw breath.

This morning I got up early and went out to experience what some people would consider a risky activity. I don’t consider it high risk like free climbing or sailing solo around the world but neither of those two activities are in my world so to me they seem risky. To those that undertake these activities it’s possibly not as risky as I perceive it and also understand the times when they are pushing the envelope as apposed to tranquil clear moments. But to insurance companies yes it’s a high-risk activity. I was able to walk up to launched carrying my equipment on my back which weighted around 20kgs, set up and launch into the air and flew around for about an hour before landing. To make that walk required an emotional commitment from me but it required so much more. The number of people it took to pack that equipment and allow it to do it’s job which was to lift me into the thermals and let me drift safely above terra firma taking in the views. Physically there were lots of people who contributed to that walk and their effect is obvious because I literally was walking, climbing and carrying a weight on my back. What of those that formed my emotional walk. If they hadn’t done their roles and I hadn’t learnt to re-engage with their emotions I could have physically learned to walk again but not carry the burden and the climb would have always turned into a sheer foreboding mountain.

During the screaming noise of pain that howls relentlessly through your body and mind, the sheer volume has scratched out your eyes and left you in darkness. The pain produces blinding flashes of information to your brain, which then claws back out through your raw nerves to your limbs, shards of fire carried by sharp needles pulse remorselessly. Your mind, body and soul is dealing with this on a daily, hourly and moment by moment battle for your conscious and unconscious thoughts to cope and deal with even the very thought of existing in your world. This is now your world barely anything beyond your bed or house makes it into your sphere of conscious thoughts.

So what of the people around you? Surely they are there to quite simply make your life as easy as possible. After all you’re the one suffering. You are in, your form of hell; and no one else is suffering like you….!

But of course so are they. Those close to you can be suffering as much trauma or more as they can be kept in a consistent state of helplessness. Fearing the worst or blindly hiding with head in the sand taking nothing on board hoping somehow time can be reset from a saved previous factory setting. For them the fight, flight or freeze is as pronounced as yours. To stay and be an active member of your recovery team is far greater then a professional could possibly ever be as they are connected to you on a hugely personal emotional level. They are as much effected by Fear, Injustice, Catastrophizing, Beliefs and Expectations if not more as they aren’t being clouded by the all-consuming white noise of pain. Your team thus forms the weather pattern around you is as important as the initial patient care. I noticed all too often while lying in bed lots of attention given to the patient but not how the patient interacted with family, friends and day to day health care workers.

At first I spent a lot of time thinking you are the victim you have enough to deal with it’s the weather that needs to change it’s interaction with you. Be always gentle and soothing for you, be the warm light of sunshine for you as and when you need them. Sounds good to have sunshine on demand. This is usually how a lot of people start from an accident or illness. Needing consistent support or even processing space but either way it’s your choice to control your weather environment, life in your bubble. But if you stay there your recovery will be choked and smothered by all the bubble wrap required to keep you in the world only of your making. Each day is new both good and bad.

Then you have the friends who have good intensions but for them time marches on at a much faster rate then you. The injury or illness is now in their past and life is accelerating away from that moment which may now have very little or no effect on their daily lives. How is it fair that because your time has stopped so must theirs? With modern communication you can be left all too aware that your life has changed but theirs hasn’t. If you get stuck with that thought then no day will be new it’ll only be what’s lost not what can now be. Whatever that is or will be.

Lastly medical professionals in general and to a lesser extent random people we met. Medical personal by the very nature have to be exposed to your type of story every day they work. While your brain is being bombarded with pain messages, their senses are being equally hammered by these same messages. Each shift times how many patients they are with. They either turn off their compassion not because they’re not human but because no one can live that  raw all the time. Or they turn into a well meaning strength and conditioning coach who’s on a tight timetable. In order for things to happen they must push you and know the long term goals will required often short to medium term pain. Yes that’s right more of it. Plus they can be a clouded view of life on the outside. Simple example being if you work in accident and emergency, you’re bound to see a lot of motorbike accidents. I know during all my many stays in hospital I’ve often been surrounded by motorbike riders. Pins, plaster and stitches coming out of everywhere and covering everything. Of course being a horse rider myself those things are totally safe. So what’s your bias going to be? Take the common factor away. I was sitting in a doctor’s office waiting to review x-rays after recent surgery. He was a really nice guy and had been wonderful throughout my stay. However on this occasion he was a little perplexed with my attitude. Having spent quite some time on the ward I’d gotten to know most of the doctors and nurses fairly well and was showing them some photos of the first trip back into the air (Paragliding), since spending nearly 4 months in hospital having lots of operations to firstly put lots of hardware into me and then remove most of it a year later. Long story short I’d had a fight with gravity while paragliding and to my surprise had lost. This had required the medical profession to do an amazing job and have me able to walk and talk again. For that I could never give them enough praise but this moment in the office could have brought that all undone.

The photos and videos were of me flying with my partner and friends near Laurieton NSW. It is a beautiful part of the world and the magic was just there topped off by a flight at the end of the week, which you just wanted to keep in your minds eye forever. My wonderful partner who had suffered through the long months of recovery had so very bravely supported my decision to fly again and also realised how much that goal meant to me in terms of helping the recovery itself.

She put her own overwhelming fears behind her and once we agreed how I was to return to the air and the markers I had to pass then she wonderfully got on board. This will sound strange but that week meant more to me then surviving the accident. I don’t mean that in some weird twisted way, I mean that I got to have that goal achieved and shared it with some wonderful people.

But sitting in the chair with my doctor he wanted to inadvertently rob me of that cherished moment.

“How could you do that?!!”

“How could you take that risk again?”

“After all you’ve been through, there is no way I’d do that!!”

For me sitting in that chair it was easy. I simply took out my phone and showed him some photos from the trip. Life is to be lived, I was well on the way to recovering and the scars where from my past not my future. The risk I was taking was calculated, and well within my tolerances for my experience level. So the risk reward outcome was well and truly knocking over towards high reward for low risk.

To my doctor he only saw the negative outcome! Not the spirit soaring into the clouds and beyond. I’m a positive person and knew I’d also looked at the situation with eyes wide open to the possibilities and also knew the highest percentage of an accident was most likely the drive up the hill being hit by a tourist car coming too fast down the windy road and losing control.  So in fact the flying itself was going to be relatively safe and I wasn’t going to be pushing the conditions at all.

However if I’d been feeling fragile, mind full of demons and whirling black holes a comment like that could have sent me into a nose dive; worse then the one which lead me into hospital in the first place. My world would have immediately become smaller. I’ve seen it so many times where another persons fears or perspective becomes the Black Death to another. A word, phrase or action can do more to derail a recovery then a slip at the gym or physiotherapist session. Even though they are both very painful.

While your in recovery you feel others should only be feeding you good news and helping you stay up beat but of course this is wrong on so many levels. I always thought of those around you as the weather pattern surrounding your life. If you were out in a storm would you just sit in the open and let it soak you to the bone or would you seek shelter. Hopefully you’d always look around and seek shelter. So if people are your storms and rain should you just stay out in the rain or find a way to protect yourself. Fortifying yourself against the storm, which is now the beginning of your mental gym towards recovery. That way when the clouds clear and the sun shines through you’re wanting to step straight out into it and feel the warmth on your skin again. Rather then shivering in bed as you caught the mental flu from the last storm and sadly haven’t realized the sun is back out. During recovery you need to grab the sun at every moment you can because at times it’ll only be fleeting but knowing the world is still capable of sunshine at all is a gift that can’t afford to be missed.

So what did I say back to my doctor who obviously wasn’t at all impressed by my actions or life choices?

Simply this. “What gives you joy?”

“Walking his dog around the lake.” Came his reply.

And frankly that’s just fine with me. We are all different and thankfully we all find joy in different ways. As much as I enjoy walking our dogs around the lake and seeing the light reflect off ripples, yes that definitely makes me happy and I enjoy the fact I’m alive but does it fill me with joy; not really but my life has always been about doing things towards the edge which give me joy. Obviously since the last accident I’ve taken stock and the edge isn’t as far out there and I’m ok with that but I work hard every day to stop my world getting small. Working physically and mentally to keep it as big as possible for as long as possible.

I’ve had this blog on my mind on and off for well over a year but every time I go to write, it goes into a blurry mess. How do you write about how other people’s words and actions build you up or tear you down?  Can one word or sentence push you into the quick sand or better still pull you out of it?

What you want vs what you need is so often determined and influenced by those around you. What I noticed very early on during recovery that those people that come in contact with you can have a huge influence on how you feel about the day the moment and the future. If they are stuck in the past ie cause of the pain or look too far into the future and not recognise the here and now. Being a member of your support team is a difficult gig and almost impossible to pull the right levels at the right times but knowing someone is in your corner but not trying to carrying all the emotional baggage is a great and powerful thing. At the end of the day only you can carry the baggage and process it. Like physical recovery you need to learn to understand your baggage, how best to lighten it and then balance it for the road ahead.

The first and most important thing is you literally can’t change the past. No matter what, end of story it just can’t happen, so this is now and that’s all there is too it.

30 minutes is a long time for the seeds of doubt to be sown and 30 days is a short time to lay the foundations of good habits. This is why people with a bad attitude or doubts have to be recognised for what they are.

When we are in pain the process to get physically out of pain can be all consuming but part of getting tough again to go to the mind rehab as well as the body workshop and a big section of that is not only dealing with the body sending through too much misinformation for the brain to work through but the very real situation of turning yourself around from either a passive or active victim to a strong mind able to fortify your emotions against other peoples fears, beliefs and experiences or expectations. Then you’ve really turned the corner in your own life and hence recovery.

How do you make goals real especially when every day you didn’t manage to get barely any sleep last night or the night before that or the night before that. It’s far easier to have dreams and let them be smashed against the black hole of hopelessness which drains you of all hope though a thousand slow cuts. So can you even have goals, do they make it better or worse? For me I needed two main things. One I did need goals both long (6+ months) and very short term (the next hour or week) and two for me I had to have a realistic grasp of time. Without that nothing works. Importantly it is your gasp of time that puts everything else in perspective. Pain robs you of many things and one of those is time. Moments can seem like hours or days. Making time move and become real has huge knock on effects. Every effort can seem like a tiny useless grain of sand without measure. No record of its’ existence nothing to show for the tears and agonising torture that it took to do the most simple thing like putting on your socks or sitting upright in a chair. Those grains unless you place them in a jar you won’t realize over the days and weeks and months that they slowly add up. At first filling the bottom layer of the jar is a marathon in 40 degree heat and the road is melting your shoes the effort is beyond compare, then adding a second layer, so the glass below is harder to see makes the first marathon seem like child’s play. You are left feeling nothing is working nothing is worth this much effort, but there it is now two layers of sand across the bottom of your jar of time. Then stupidly somehow your jar gets knocks over and some grains are lost but some remain. Those that remain are some how ever so slightly bigger because by righting the glass resilience has made them bigger. They may be fewer but they’ll be harder to knock over next time. You know this marathon thing now yes it’s crap but you know where you can rest under the shade of a tree for a moment without falling out of the race now. You know that there are rehydrating stations scattered throughout the course and you can make it between each of them now. Still sucks still leaves you exhausted every moment of the day but those gains keep coming because you keep getting up and taking one step after the other further then you really would like to but far enough to earn another grain of sand into the jar of time. Life mightn’t give you credit  however what you are earning is the knowledge to being able to repeat the effort, to settle your demons into the a place where you can use them rather then them having all the say. Their chants of – “No you can’t!” “How much will that hurt later!” “Your tooooooooo tired to make that effort!” “It’s your fault you deserved this!” “This always happens to you!” Can now become your energy force to just get it DONE!

The buck stops here – the sign on President Truman’s desk. That’s what it’s all about to make it your life again. It’s about how you respond to your weather pattern not how they respond to you. You’re not the only one hurting or with experiences, people do too. But you’re the only one who can make the most of those around you and be ready for the sunshine even on rainy days.

It is your life, don’t let it be others physically or mentally. We all need at times to hit the gym physically and mentally, to recover from both lifes’ ups and downs.

Finding the old magical “mojo” again when all you want to do is let yourself sink into the darkness, feeling utterly overwhelmed.  The best you can do is holding fast to a life line. So instead you tie a knot in the end and find the resilience you didn’t know was there, take in another calming breath, look up.  Find yet again a way to quell the sensation of your nerve ending being eaten alive and start pulling your way up towards the light.

The light maybe be too far off to be a creditable goal. Instead the goal is find a soothing equilibrium. Ever though the information pathways (I don’t think of them as pain pathways as they often lie to you) are exploding. One more slow breathe, one more try, one more challenge to reshape your thoughts, and find some form of peace, on a night where time has stood still.

From the darkest night can come the brightest day. When I was growing up I’d read stories from WW1. How soldiers suffering in those horridness conditions used to see the smallest things of beauty around them and take enormous heart from those moments. How the mind, body and soul could be plunged through those times and find reasons to live and maintain any sense of sanity just defied my logic. During times of intense rehab it’s those dark times when the brain and body are screaming at you to stop it’s simply not worth it….. Protect protect protect!! The little voice deep within has to step up and tell you persist, go one more time, get up one more time, be engaged one more time. No matter how many times the voice has to say this. One more time, there is no choice there is only one more time.

One of the strongest memories of my recovery is a day when in my mind I was off to conquer the world and show how far I’d come in comparatively short time from such serious life treating injuries. It was the second day without using walking sticks to get around, but it was the first day I was out from the protection of home. I decided to go down to the shops to quickly pick up a few things. I judged the trip to be a good little expedition and was meant to be a simple short stroll around collecting a few items. I set out thinking how amazing am I, to have made it this far. The great plan unraveled straight away when parking was much further then I’d hoped and the shop was packed. Feeling very vulnerable and dodging people took much more energy then I’d anticipated. By the time I was standing waiting at the checkout I was starting to shake and was sweating. I was only just able to control my body movements. I had taken on more then I’d hoped but I was there and standing and I felt elated. As I was giving myself a mental High Five I noticed the checkout person and the woman in front continually glancing in my direction. The look on both their faces was of a little disdain mixed with keeping their distance because in their eyes I was either possibly drunk or on drugs. Either way in their mind I was in a bit a disgrace. I wanted to explain what an amazing day this was for me. What had happened and how much work in rehab, literally all the blood sweat and some tears. But in that moment their faces made me feel ashamed. By that stage I’d mostly come off some very serious amounts of heavy drugs far earlier then even my doctor had expected who was always worried about addiction. My strength and endurance suddenly started to slide away. I knew it wasn’t their fault, they didn’t know my story or had walked in my shoes. I took a moment to mentally slap myself in the face and use all the strength left from pretty much pure muscle memory. I smiled as best I could and made it to the car where I collapsed before finally being able to drive home.

To a non-health care professional understanding the journey through pain is a confronting one. For me I had a fight with gravity and slammed into the ground at high velocity doing something I love paragliding. Initially once my glider was under control and I was no longer being dragged across the ground. I checked that I could wiggle all my fingers and toes and too my huge relief and surprise I could. I knew things were fairly bad but at that moment I was alive and could talk with my fellow pilots who came to my aid and organised an airlift to hospital.

The next month was a series of operations and blood transfusions. For the first three weeks I was only able to push a button every 15 minutes to help quell the waves of pain that crashed into me. Every hour I had my ops checked and/or was rolled as well to have the large scar on my back checked for any excess bleeding through the bandage. This caused no end of pain as the pelvis had external fixes to help it stay in place. These usually hit the side of the bed as I was turned and I had several ribs broken and sternum which would grind with every movement in those early weeks. It was a blur of pain wishing with section of time I hadn’t slept over the 15 minute marker. As missing those meant hours before the pain levels got back under control. Controlling emotions and allowing the body to unwind and properly rest is an enormous burden to take on. The bed is your protection but you mustn’t let it become your isolated cave or dungeon. You need it to be your kingdom but unfortunately you may be a King, but you’re not its absolute ruler. It’s more a ceremonial role and it’s important you come to terms with that. Shut out everything and everyone and the brain and soul will whither and slowly die. The contradiction of course is you equally can’t let everybody over run your kingdom. You must find a way to be aware of your spark and how strong it is and what protects it and what nourishes it.

Every day is a new beginning. Light would come into the room from different angles, new songs and podcasts were discovered and the staff had by now gotten to know me and a little joke or a short conversation here or there made so much difference. Even arguing with the night shift nurse about setting my timer off at 15 minutes so I didn’t miss a pain Button schedule. Those little interactions while small made huge connections for the long stay. I’d made a conscious decision to take each day as it came and not to get stressed about the what if’s. That won’t change the present and only I could shape the future. I wanted to get better no matter what shape that would take and had goals to achieve. Giving my body every chance to heal and getting back in the air were some of the major ones. I had way more life to live no matter what form it took and people to live for as well as myself. Life doesn’t give you heads up for changes or light every path you need to walk but all you can do is make the very most life is giving you. Lessons learned and moments cherished as tomorrow anything is possible. Regret and what if’s don’t improve today and life is all about now, helping to shape tomorrow. Keep peering through the darkness to find the light and you never know that aurora lights could suddenly arrive but you have to be looking to see them.

The switch in mindset. 5 to 7 months after the accident the next big hurdle has to be taken on board. Changing from putting all your mental and physical energies into getting out of pain and/or coming to terms with mindfulness to help the brain relax the crazy amount of noise flooding into your brain at different times. To now putting yourself very consciously back in the path of pain and knowing to improve and get back a full life I not only had to be in pain but actually seek it out. It is quite simply the oddest mix of bed fellows. The pain it’s self, mobility pushing boundaries the moment something is reached another goal looms up needing to be achieved. Tiredness and mental fuzziness which at times meant not being able to spell your name on the endless forms that were being filled out around this time. Long sleepless nights returned and the strength to find a way back towards being mindful and empowered was an endless struggle.

The pain, while picking up socks and putting them on can lead to great moments of courage persistence and struggle beyond anything that you’ve previously achieved in life. It is however the loss of cognitive brain function which can take you towards a huge confronting realities of the totalitarian of your injuries. I didn’t suffer any direct brain injuries from the accident. I did have to spend some time back at basic skills getting to switch back on my intellectual side that had been dealing with the blast of information from nerve’s strained to boiling point. Calming and sorting that information is one part but then actually getting the brain to function again as a virtual organ and leaning towards having an open mind. Committing to the intention of expanding your knowledge beyond the walls that have closed in all around you without you being consciously aware of the vast loss of brain function just in reasoning let alone back to rediscovering lateral thinking both on a macro or micro level. Like the physical recover this must be done in small stages and embracing it will be hard and possibly be at times humiliating. Even humiliation while tough on the soul leads you to discoveries or regrouping and facing gaps that you may have been blissfully unaware of until that moment.

The cycle of pain and recovery ticks over remorselessly from one long blurry 24 hour period to the next. Eventually however the day arrives and you don’t feel like a half dead zombie with four flat tyres. When it happens without doubt you over do it and in the excitement you blow, all the feel good juice usually in under half a day. Exhilaration flows into every cell like warm fire to inspire you back to greatness. If only that lasted forever!

The most dangerous times for your mind has is the choices you have once the joy subsides and the punch of feeling defeated and tired. Remembering you can make it through all that rehab and recovery for the improvement you want. Not letting the flood of pain and helplessness that is waiting at the door of your mind to smother you in the haze of doubt. If you can get there once it’ll happen again, only this time you’ll reach it quicker. Not the year or months or days it took last time but 5 minutes quicker an hour quicker, a day, a month. Pain makes time stand still one of your greatest achievements is to keep time moving, and being able to live in the moment.

The day and night cycle which is hard to control but is really important for recovery to be able to sleep at night time. A few sleepless nights aren’t the end of the world, but letting the noise volume drown you at night is the death by  a thousand cuts for the brain. Helplessness follows close behind and weight of fear, anxiety and pain sensations floods into your thoughts. Learning mindfulness to help quell and quieten the pathways to the brain and allowing the brain to hear the true messages from your body. While this can take a little practice and persistence to get benefits from it is extremely worthwhile. Take that the extra slow breath, release and repeat.

All you can be is true to yourself and honest with yourself regarding rehab and how that adds into days, weeks and months. You will of course have bad moments and it’s definitely OK to get down and want to wallow in the mud but please please don’t stay there. Yell, scream and cry against the world and universe, drain your body mind and soul until it’s empty then crawl back up and start again because in the end only you can make that difference.

Resilience and inner strength are both things you’ll learn to have far deeper reserves then you ever thought possible. However it’s the growth you get from finding a way forward, tying a knot in the end of the rope, holding on like crazy so you don’t fall into the black void below. If you do fall in you can find a way back and slowly simply start taking one more step just one more step towards a recovery that at different stages you ever thought possible.

Getting knocked down is rough, getting back up is tough, but sometimes the greatest battle is staying up, and this is what I tell myself everyday because everyday is worth staying up for. Life mightn’t give you credit to put in the bank to use later but it does give you lessons to learn and experiences that either make or break you. Train your mind to understand the information it’s receiving and not let the nerve ending control your mood, outlook and eventually your life.  What you choose is entirely up to you. Good luck I hope that helps to give you the courage to try again and walk through the rehab process. The attached YouTube clip may also help with understanding you aren’t re-broken when you are going through different stages of recovery. Getting re in touch with your stamina muscle.

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Security is mostly a superstition. It does not exist in nature, nor do the children of men as a whole experience it. Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. Life is either a daring adventure, or nothing. Helen Keller

Risk comes in all shapes and sizes real and / or perceived. I’ve done a lot of things in my life that others would consider risky and I’ve got lots of different X-rays that tell me perhaps they were right. However to me right here right now is my greatest risk.

Embarking on a new and exciting chapter in my Leadership Coaching career. Over the last few years I’ve been up skilling which in our modern world everyone has to do, both because there is so much new information out there but also to consistently understand better the world that surrounds us. I’m fundamentally an equestrian coach and as such have long had the job of unifying a speaking partner with a non speaking partner into at least a working relationship and hopefully so much more of a bound that will see them through scary times and amazing times.

Writing a blog and letting more of the world into my life and thoughts. It’s not that I think perhaps underneath it all I’ll find out I’m just one more crazy self opinionated person on the World Wide Web. But that I’ll go down as one more boring person who didn’t even have a capacity to help one other life for the better. So that is my fear that one of my values which is to help and improve others lives maybe it’s just a big fancy full dream.

However I can’t find that out with out putting myself out there so here goes. One of my goals through these blogs is to let people who are suffering from pain, anxiety, loss or fear, that you’re not alone. One of the first things you lose during these thoughts or while suffering unending pain is a sense of time and once time has been stolen so all your left with is a clock face which has a stuck hour hand and a minute hand that has fallen to the bottom of the glass casing, if you can make out the tiny second hand at all you’ll notice it’s going back and forth on the same two numbers over and over again. Your now trapped in a loop of wishing time would pass and wishing it would stop so the pain/anxiety/loss/fear can stop with it. You now don’t have a reference point for day or night except levels of exhaustion. Time’s thief has a close friend and with his mask firmly pulled down he gives you the gift of isolation even in a room full of well  wishes you can still feel the pull of empty loneliness. Recovery is a mix of sole efforts responsibilities and a team who are aligned to your goals and values. They have strengths where you are weak and allow you to expand so that long term it’s no longer your weakness. No one person can be good at everything, growth allows us to strengthen areas or come to terms with them and adapt. Learning to be aware of the weather pattern (people) around you and how their actions, deeds and language directly effect your recovery and well being.

I’m not going to lecture you and say “Take a teaspoon of cement and harden up.” There will be times, when we all need to find the strength to keep going and not give up, find the effort to open your eyes and continue. But the thing I most want to help you with is finding the resources within yourself  and around you so you have the tools to hang in there for another minute maybe even an hour or day until that storm passes and then you can go looking for those two thief’s. What you do to them please don’t write and let me know as then I may have to appear at your trail as a hostile witness for the defence. We want to shine a very very bright light on those two guys. Not whack them over the head and bury them down deep in the forest, otherwise we’ll possibly get a knock on the door from one of their other close friends and once he comes inside his black dog tends to leave paw prints literally all over everything and no-one wants that.

Every day you have little forks in the road little choices to be made. I hope though these upcoming blogs to show you that your not alone and that there are tools we can all use to help us stand for what we want to stand for not the label or incident that is biting merciless at our soul right now. You are more then the sum of one moment or trial. You may feel stuck but growth can return. It maybe different it may involve challenging times to find your equilibrium again so you can determine your goals and values. Be the best you that is possible, honouring your past and directing you towards sunshine