I think most of us have felt that dread and gut churning reaction to the thought of doing things in public even if that public is only one other person. The intense feeling of being watched and judged. It isn’t by any means universal as some people love being the centre of attention and feed off that energy. Where as many of us are reluctant to step out from behind the curtain and be the centre of other peoples focus. It is however fascinating how genuinely few times in life where we get that absolute undivided attention. One of the places I undertake clinics in Tasmania has a cardboard cutout of a country and western singer propped up in the back corner of a yard. It kind of sits in the distant corner of your eye, not ever really in full view but that of someone silently sneaking a peak at your efforts. Almost without exception every rider who has ever ridden in that arena has spoken of having the urge to ride up to the enigmatic figure and yell ‘come out and watch priorly or go away please.’ Of course as they ride towards the piece of cardboard their eyes adjust to the fact that it isn’t actually a person at all. All that boiling frustration was only their own minds projecting what they thought someone else might be thinking of their actions and efforts. Sheepishly they turn tail and laugh at the realisation the power to project what you feel others might be thinking has come purely from within. We talk about sources and triggers for fears and anxieties and this is a great example of one of those cases where your own mind has managed to manufacture the entirety; from an assumption that couldn’t have started as a source. That doesn’t mean the feelings weren’t real only that the source wasn’t. The best part though is, once each rider who was tricked into believing a story purely formed in their projecting thoughts, almost always shrugs at the fact, we got pushed into a corner by our own brain. We all have swapped stories and jointly laughed knowing the intensity of feelings (hurt/anger/frustration/bullied/mocked/judged/belittled/suspicious) just a moment before the brain concluded it was all a mirage.
Amazingly our own brains can be our own harshest self critic spreading awful stories of doubt and incompetence. You don’t need to be in public to get the feeling of wanting to hide under the closest rock from whatever perceived mistake you’ve just made. Think back to a situation when you were out and about in a semi public area, tripped or did something silly and suddenly your eyes dart around the viewable area to see if your mistake may have been witnessed by any passer-by. Why are we often so wired to hide out mistakes? Most of our lives we live with the emotional thought that making mistakes is simply bad, and to blunder or have faults is somehow to not be a complete human being or that we aren’t worthy of attention or focus. Yet our whole life is spent growing from our mistakes. The obvious examples are learning to walk. I often think if we as humans didn’t learn to walk until we were in our teens or twenties, how many would give up and decide it’s all too hard and retreat from the experience. A child learning to walk fails a lot, I mean a LOT. Some of those are small stumbles or tumbles and others are spectacular falls, bangs and are often keenly being watched as well as being filmed endlessly. So could you have gone on to walk with the emotional maturity of your younger teenage self?? Possibly not; unless you’re WHY was big enough and you opened your mind to the fact that the people surrounding you and watching are also genuinely cheering you on and wanting you to succeed as well as have a little entertainment.
Let’s now turn to look at the feature photo. A horse/rider combination jumping a lovely clear oxer with a group of spectators sitting comfortably behind the glass. Perfect spot on what looks like a gorgeous day for watching some beautiful athletic partnerships bounding around a showjumping courses. Life is good.
Now of course if you look at the second photo which zooms in on the people behind the glass. You quickly realise not a single person in shot is actually watching the horse and rider combination in question. Sure if you hadn’t looked closely you’d probably assume not everyone would be watching intently or unwavering but to see not one person watching is a little surprising yes? Most of us these days are distracted from the moment and yet conversely we all perceive that we are being watched and judged every minute of every day, modern technology gives us a big glass bowl effect at times. Perhaps this is where the spotlight effect has shifted in the last few years away from feeling you are being watched and judged in the moment to being judged for all eternity by the tentacles reaching out from the world wide web. The feelings can thus be slightly different. One can have an immediate devastating loss of performance and the other can feel more like getting gravel rash every day. While no one particular injury is bad, you are consistently in pain and sore. Bits of skin and blood being scrapped off and leaving you feeling rawer and anxious to see how bad todays spill will be. People could comment from a much greater reach both positive or negative.
If our horse rider combination were cantering towards the double feeling like the group behind the glass was watching harshly this can lead to an immediate tension and loss of performance followed by poor decision making and miscommunication with our horse. Suddenly something that was once easy becomes indescribably hard. Not because the work they’ve done or the skills they have honed, but because of a perceived sense of expectation given to others who aren’t even engaged in your story.
So in a moment of reframing prior to stepping out from behind the curtain, it is about sitting with this mental picture. People are often much less engaged with our story than we think.
Boiling down to the people in our tribe will be like the adults of your childhood learning to walk. Cheering you on, laughing and crying with you. Proud you stood up and tried to simply put one foot in front of the other. No matter how tiny or wobbly those steps are. They will be there to carry your banner as well as see your worth, sometimes even when you don’t.
As for the others when we are feeling apprehensive or frozen about the thoughts of being out the front with no rocks to hide under it comes down to the first person you must bring along the path and convince you deserve to be holding your own space, views and actions is our very own protective brain. So practice your skills, hone your presentation, work with what you have, to do the best you can. Convince that first person in the mirror that trying, and growing won’t mean you can’t stumble in this moment but you showed up anyway. You can still feel uncomfortable but that doesn’t mean you aren’t ready or worthy. If we can convince ourselves then we can move without weight or tension, talk without misgivings or mischief, hear without prejudice or preconception then you help bring one more person into your moment and the spotlight isn’t as unbearably bright anymore. We often can feel watched, not ready or worthy but if we can convince the person in the mirror, then the perceived pressure and judgment of others can melt away to a simple moment waiting for you to step forward into. Do you have the courage to step into that moment?
I hope so.
Big breath. Good luck.
There is freedom waiting for you on the breezes of the sky, and you ask, “what if I fall?” Oh but my darling what if you fly? -Erin Hanson.
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