It’s a fine line between the desire to unwind from stress, disappointment, being overwhelmed, feeling you aren’t being heard and a myriad of other reasons we flop down onto the couch to stare into our electric devices in order to escape the screams from our souls. Life isn’t what I’d hoped it would be. Whether that’s from our own choices, limiting believes, tired beyond exhaustion or falling short of our dreams, timidity/bashfulness, timing beyond our control, simply you are a gem that hasn’t been unearth yet or a combination of many different things.
The fatigue/traumas/stresses of life can slowly grind us into a spiral of unhealthy/unhelpful habits and routines. What was the odd night of mindless tv or a few minutes of scrolling social media has now turned you into a hollow human divot in the couch and a restless finger scrolling through regret and envy. Yet strangely we often tell ourselves we are calming our minds from the days events or disappointing. Letting go of the harsh thoughts externally or internally heard by our fatigued mind. Running blindly towards any possibilities of numbing our feeling and accumulated hurt or loss.
What we often don’t realise, numbness once it crosses a threshold of momentary escapism isn’t an escape or self soothing strategy as cocooning yourself into the sense of numbness is actual an all too real feeling, not the absence of feeling. And as real and perfectly valid as all the other feelings we humans express. It often lets us passively avoid unwanted thoughts or feelings by giving us a sense of dissociation with our reality. Often this will slowly creep in and then suddenly we are seduced by this space, at first enjoying the immunity and disengagement, though all too slowly we realise the time chunks are invading the dreams of being better and self improvement. Suddenly being numb is both a great hiding spot and a sense of inner calm from the carnage of life; because now it’s not only protecting us from the hurt and failures of the past and present both perceived or real. It is quieting down the thoughts of ‘what if’s’ and the possibilities that could arise in the near future.
The need to unwind is now fast falling towards self sabotaging the future joy of tomorrow’s possibilities. You are deliberately staying up late so the brain is over tired and foggy for the morning. You are scrolling and not engaging with the now. If your phone was a person rather than a mini computer, are there many people you’d spend 8-14 hrs with day after day talking with often ignoring others in the same room? A phone may take you around the world and back in that time, however the views become increasingly boxed in by your echo chamber. Your brain and the phone are now hiding you from any difficult or confronting decisions or conversations. Making you consistently running late and pushing against deadlines not because you didn’t have time but because time is a static property and you can choose to stay in your safe place or address the growing wall, getting not only higher but also thicker around you. Keeping you locked away from both the rawness of hurt and the opportunities of growth/laugher/connection. Losing yourself in the never ending need to unwind. However like the need for rest, once you’ve generally gone past the three to six week mark except in acute cases. Sleeping and endless napping will not leave you feeling more refreshed only a sense of feeling endlessly tired and run down.
What should you do?
Put simply one of the first things to learn to protect is your own mental well being and health. If it is physical danger we often find a way for our inner No voice to be heard. An easy example to think of is if your boss was standing on the other side of an extremely wide busy street and demanded we get to him or her as quickly as possible. You probably won’t run straight across the road as the physical danger is obvious and unnecessary. If however there are lights just up the street which means you can cross safely and repeatedly even if that time taken may have taken longer. Job done, I mightn’t be there as quickly as my boss expected but I’m alive and complied with their instruction. Now imagine that those lights had a 5pm cut off. Once that time was passed they switched off and the road is a free for all. Would you still attempt to cross at 5:02pm or shout back across. Sorry boss I’ll need to catch up with you tomorrow. You might be bullied or humiliated into trying but the chances are your feelings of physical harm would out ride the desire to please or comply. The No is common sense and easier to justify. However if the boss comes to you whether it’s just before cut off or just after cut off and says can you do this one more thing please. Do you say NO??
All too often we want to help out and be liked so we say yes to clients or boss’s. Except now it’s almost every day; can you please just help out (morphing from please to required of). Work piles up; now I’m continually helping out thus needing to retreat further and further into my numb cave because I can’t express that my mental wellness is being trampled all over. Time can’t be replaced if you are spending it somewhere it can’t be duplicated and spent on self/family/hobbies/mediation/wellbeing/pets/learning/growth/friends/movies/quiet moments/loud adrenaline charged moments/nature etc. Helping out can be both understandable and necessary at times.
Being expected to blindly help out or give of yourself!! Not so much.🤯
Now the choice is moving away from a healthier mentally and physically fit you in the longer term. Your work output will slowly decease and your anger, resentment and feelings of being undervalued slowly keep rising. No; may seem uglier and harsher in the short term, however in the long term if you are healthier and not looking for tactics of escapism then you are able to genuinely bring more of the authentic you to the workplace/client rather then the numb disconnected husk of a human being.
It is however totally understandable you haven’t expressed NO until your already all but burnt out or you’ve had to change organisations or been reinvented into a new situation/job. It’s a simple fact of life we doesn’t always have courage when we need it the most. Our voice has lost it’s power and strength to the change; the direction and stand for yourself, possibly requiring a clean slate to start anew.
Except there is one really important thing to remember. If starting anew, the situation maybe different but the habit and strength to resist, blindly giving of yourself with poor boundaries is a habit you haven’t reset properly yet; for possibly a very long time.
If we think when we are trying to change eating habits or exercise habits. It often takes at least 60 to 270 days before a change starts to become an unconscious habit. That is a lot of time you’ll feel vulnerable and unsure as you attempt to navigate the new space of protecting your mental health. A kind way of starting out on this new journey of self care and self protection is to think of it exactly like your best friend has had a terrible accident and spent a year in hospital then a further year flattened on the couch rarely being able to shuffle around the house let alone go anywhere. Their muscles have wasted away but their spirit is finally wanting to tackle the effort required to start recovery. You won’t see this moment as let’s hit the gym and do a full on cardio session followed by weights the next day. Hopefully you’d stand with them and help them walk through the back door, possibly walk around a small garden bed once to some chairs you’d set up in the sun and said I’m glad you are ready to start.
In other words learning to say NO 🛑 when you are not under pressure. It’ll take some time before you believe you deserve me time in your own mind let alone expressing it to anyone else. Begin by simply saying out loud ‘No’ to, a two for one deal when you know you don’t need the second one no matter how good a deal in is. Even if you’re only saying it to a supermarket shelf. You are however voicing NO for YOU. Build and establish the habit so you get to know your boundaries. A sense of self; who can display compassion for a situation, not be dragged down with the last drops of your own empathy. No longer being the victim in the mirror without voice or valour.
Understandable you retreat to numb and keep closing the busy dangerous road mentally so you are liked and accepted. Sliding away from perhaps your values and/or your simple wishes. We figure we need a credible reason in order to say no. Isn’t the simple reason of mental health, wellbeing and safety enough? Don’t you think?
Here are some signs you need stronger boundaries and hopefully it will give you the courage to find the inner voice rather than retreating towards the perceived safety of numb.
- You are left with little time for yourself.
- You say ‘yes’ when you want to say ‘no’.
- You feel guilty to put aside time just for you.
- You are consistently feeling like you are required to solve other peoples’ problems. Even when it’s not your circus or monkeys.
- You often feel like ‘giving’ has become a one way street, which is leaving you feeling totally drained.
- You don’t speak your truth and you’ve forgotten how too.
- You are consistently self-sacrificing in order to avoid conflict.
- You can’t bare the thought you are letting anyone down (with the exception being YOU).
Acknowledging you slowly fell in love with the feeling of being numb, though now it’s controlling all your decisions and actions is the first step. Now be brave and reinvest in your other emotions like fear (strange as it might seem) but by learning to say ‘no’ anyway, because on the other side of that fear; just maybe is a world of true happiness, self healing and health.
As always good luck and remember to be kind to yourself after all that’s who you spend the most time with. 🤪
The book ‘Boundary Boss’ is a great tool for learning to believe in the power of setting boundaries and saying no which means it is often a yes to YOU.
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Nudge: Improving Decisions About Health, Wealth, and Happiness
Boundary Boss: The Essential Guide to Talk True, Be Seen, and (Finally) Live Free
Atomic Habits: the life-changing million-copy #1 bestseller
The 4-Hour Work Week: Escape the 9-5, Live Anywhere and Join the New Rich
