You know the feeling when you have something exciting on the horizon. You are both looking forward to it and dreading it in equal proportions. It’s what you want to be doing and experiencing yet the actual thing is new and out of your comfort zone in so many ways.
Now my own experience was signing up for a course in which I knew the parameters of that course was an introduction from theory into practical applications and experiences. It was written right there in the course details. All I needed to do was bring myself, my equipment and the rest would be taught, shown and progressed.
Put the time aside and let this just be about your learning and improving in a safe encouraging environment. Pretty exciting right?
Yet somehow our brains can find problems and obstacles even where none exist before you you launch out of the start blocks.
- Am I being selfish? It’s been a hard few years for all of us, so what gives me the right to abandon the family for a week purely to follow my own joy.
- What if the course is terrible or I hate it, does that mean I’m an extra big loser for taking the time.
- What if I make a fool of myself and realise I have no talent what so ever.
- Will everyone be best mates and I’ll be the lame duck on the outside.
- What if everyone else already somehow knows everything.
- What if courage deserts me and I’m left shaking a broken down nervous husk.
- What the hell is wrong with me why can’t I just relax and look forward to this opportunity.
- What if I can’t switch off the overthinking ~ over worrying apprehensive thoughts.
- What if I’m unteachable, what if they give up on me because I haven’t done the pre-course work. Even though I’ve done the light reading required. Perhaps that was too simple and everyone else received the proper course work!
- What if…………
At first it is about learning to really softly lean into and understand your feelings of anxiety or being overwhelmed from perhaps a powerless situation. How this effects both your mind and body. Most of the time we understandably want to shut down the raw uneasy unwelcome feelings of anxiety/panic. However there is very real benefits to genuinely pausing and looking at them, doing almost a 360 degree scan of yourself while under the flood of emotions and sensations which are ever eager to punch into you body and mind once the grip of anxiety starts to take hold.
Remembering the basics first and foremost. No matter how big and scary something is. Understand and be confident with your ability to grab hold of your calming life boat. The ability to reset with tools that have been practiced and can stand tall under the pressure of incoming waves of anxiety and/or fear. No point leaning into your dark overwhelming areas if the foundations you want to stand on are just as likely to disappear beneath the waves the moment a ripple in the water appears. We would prefer to display and step into courage though not when we haven’t given ourselves permission even to gain the tools so it isn’t an all or nothing roll the dice strategy. Winning is a low chance and losing means falling into a very dark hole of despair and self loathing.
Don’t skip the basics no matter how small or gigantic the wave of anxiety you’re feeling seems because theses will always be the foundation for everything.
Breathe in.
Breathe out.
Repeat until you can control your breathing and you feel you are actually able to genuinely take air deep into your lungs and expel it too. Sometimes this may mean you take in two breathes before you exhale one. It lets the bronchioles expand enough to actually take air in.
Then ground yourself in only this moment. Not the past or future only now matters.
It’s ok to acknowledge you are feeling scared/overwhelmed.
Remind yourself they are feelings and emotions that might not be serving any purpose in this moment right now. Once hopefully you’ve checked in and can now really look and feel how that effects different parts of your body and thoughts. Sometimes you’ll realise it’s only the mind or it could be effecting parts of the body too. Hopefully though now you may realise you are in a non threat safe environment it’s a good time to slowly explore those feelings and sensations. Getting to know them and stepping towards not being intimated or bullied by them.
Having stepped back from the emotional storm and understood those feelings are being produced around future apprehensions and doubts not anything that is currently causing any need to let me spiral towards a sense of impending doom.
Being absolutely present, so the right now is what I have the power to influence and in this case prepare as best I can. I reminded myself by reading the course documents that the course was about learning in a safe encouraging environment. It also allowed me to look at what I could control right now and planning for the course itself.
In my case I got a list going of things I could do and help myself be better prepared and organising what was within my control.
- Equipment check.
- Checked where I was staying and details of getting there.
- Wrapping up and limiting work and not putting too much on so I wouldn’t feel overwhelmed before I even start the course.
- Reach out to colleagues and grab their thoughts.
- Test safety equipment re-familiarise myself with it all.
- Checking in with my rest sleep patterns in the week leading into departure. Fatigue and tiredness are often big sources for feelings of anxiety, which then only requires a small extra trigger to be pushed into a full blown panic attack.
- Healthy food choices.
- Check the community and Q&A pages very helpful as covered so many questions floating in my own head.
- Take a breathe and remind myself why I was doing it in the first place. Obvious but we get so beaten up by our own bully at times we forget.
Now why did all this matter so much apart from having tools to help with anxiety surrounding future rumination?
Well actually by leaning into your own feelings and not trying to just push them away or hide from them, you get to feel and see how those thoughts and feeling sit in your mind and body. Like the saying goes ‘hold your friends close ~ and hold your enemies even closer’; because then you can see what they are up too.
As it turned out I had a bigger than planned day in the sun the day before the course and got unexpectedly quite dehydrated plus then ended the day with a very cold rain shower. Soaked to the bone and needing to drive a few hours to the course location. Dry clothes were in the back and couldn’t get to them without getting even wetter 🤦🏼♂️ ! Yep best laid plans of mice and men moment right there. Off I set.
Arrived feeling light headed but ok. The anxiety levels and self doubt were there but manageable. I was being hit with bouts of intense shyness which covid possibly hadn’t helped my re-socialising skills. Breathe it is what it is and I was here. I was actually feeling pretty proud of myself for getting there. What looks from the outside nothing except in this particular moment just showing up was everything. Tiny mental high five. Yay me.
Then of course another plot twist happened.
During the night I woke up with a terrible metallic taste in my mouth. An upset tummy and feeling pretty damn awful. Now of course my brain jumped on board and said with glee, see you can’t handle the pressure and you are simply not up to the task. I was aware I felt both overstimulated and sick at the same time. It seemed wrong but couldn’t put my finger on it plus needed to do a few dashes to the loo so wasn’t in a great place to gently sit down and reflect on it all.
I managed to get myself to the first briefing having put it down to I must not be coping with the stress and anxiety and just need to step into a place of exposure and conquer my doubts and fears head on. Basically get on with it. A tried and tested skill that generally held me in good stead most of my life. No choice except, just do the task.
The course kicked off and was extremely welcoming and low key which was exactly what I needed. I wasn’t thrown into information overload though intimidating, but typical so I felt ok. I still had a metallic taste in my mouth and felt fairly dehydrated. My brain was still telling me it must be an adrenaline reaction to stress and feeling overwhelmed for the last few weeks. Yep that’s what it must be, just got to man up and stay the course.
I realised I knew a few other fellow students and they were like the course coordinators open welcoming ready to share a joke and dive in and help if asked. So briefing done rubber hits the road time. Put the theory into practice.
It was a warm day but I was feeling hot though stomach was now settled so maybe I was just being a little overwhelmed sook. Get it together breathe and calm your thoughts. I had been given clear achievable goals with options and plenty of off ramps if needed.
Equipment check and re-check.
Some water and little food, bit of a quiet moment to myself calm the mind which hadn’t felt over anxious in truth since we started but I just wasn’t feeling great. Maybe I’m missing something and there is an underlying tension anxiety there somewhere. Yes I’m nervous but I’d be surprised if I wasn’t. Am I anxious? It sort of feels like I am but I’m sort of not. Which part of myself is lying to the other self!!?
I asked one of the instructors a few questions and felt ok about the answers and clear. The brain doesn’t seem stressed, numb or overloaded, wanting to shut down so why the tingling sense of anxiety ~ but at the same time sort of not anxiety. 🤷🏻♂️
Ok finally get going. Launch, glide, freedom god it was great to be in the air. Feeling very rusty but wow. Couldn’t get the groove right and bombed out 25 mins later. Oh well first flight done and I’ll get a lift back up. A few have also landed so all is not lost. Packing up I feel so hot though, maybe it’s a hang over from the day before being out in the midday hot sun though today is quite a bit cooler. I seem to need to drink a lot of fluid and my core feels way hotter then I expected for the temperature of the day. Damn it the metallic taste is back. What the hell is going on. Now I’m feeling a little lost and confused. Getting the lift back up I’m trying to do an honesty check. Feeling a little like a detective and the main witness is me and I need to nail this little bastard down so he stops lying and tells the truth. He must be anxious about something?? Isn’t he??
It’s still not adding up yes, pre-trip definitely got over anxious and overthinking a billion things. Really had to put some clear steps in place to get back on track. Surges of shyness understandable but once again now calmer. First session intimidating but wonderful and leapt into the sky happy times.
Why then were these feeling of not being completely in control of my body persisting and the metallic taste was driving my mind crazy searching for the underlying stress point I must be hiding from my conscious brain. 🤯
Ok gather my thoughts breath calm, a quick briefing regarding change of plan and equipment check. Right ready to re-launch. Smooth clean calm in the moment. Perfect. Get a little climb and anther little one, good fingers crossed. Then suddenly feel utterly mentally exhausted, functioning but know this isn’t the time to be in the air. Fly towards the landing field. Mind a little mudded not with the task of landing as ticked off the pre-landing check list. No my mind was in a fight with the warrior bully of just tough it out and man up what’s wrong with you. Being shouted at ~ how useless and pathetic are you, etc etc as I deliberately flew through little bubbles of lift; turning in one because I nearly accepted the bullies words but knew no this isn’t anxiety this is something else but I’ll sort that out on the ground. Clear head for the task of landing that’s all that matters next. As the saying goes in flight check hatches and latches and zip it for landing. The bully can stand over there I’m not second guessing this approach he can have his say on the ground. It occurred to me later how easily I was able to put my own bully aside as I descended those last 200+ft. It gave me comfort that I was present and not overwhelmed but I was confused what was happening though the debriefing could wait. Legs out flare touch down, Legs felt like jelly and I suddenly realised I was drenched in sweat. Bloody hell what’s going on?? I stood up and barely had the strength to get my harness off as well as any additional flying cloths off. It felt like I’d landed in a furnace though I knew the temperature wasn’t by any means a hot summers day. Drink drink pouring water over my head and down my neck. Shaky but can now pack back up. Sweat is still pouring off me, starting to get muscle cramping, that can’t be good.
Finally which is obvious to you all I started to look outside the fact it might not be possibly just be a case of anxiety. I spent a long time in the lead up to this little adventure/course in the turmoil of stress and anxiety, the what if’s; am I prepared enough; should I be dumping the family for my own fun when this covid period has been hard on us all; should I as a sole trader be spending this time away when things aren’t exactly rosy and so unpredictable 🤷🏻♂️ feeling unsure and overwhelmed on so many levels not least by the fact I’m a fairly quiet person so re-engaging with people though I enjoy my work immensely for all introverts out there we know the process is exhausting getting used to being out and about again in public. Just as it was for extroverts to be shut away in isolation, righting all that headspace and eventually guiding my ship back to calmer mental waters and taking control again was a big deal. Giving myself the biggest high five for making to the course, which had disappeared overnight when the loud emotional bully came riding on the coat tails of feeling like severe anxiety yet had showed little signs early on it wasn’t. I was so ready for the story to be my failings and anxieties I hadn’t let myself have the possibilities it could be anything else. My brain had questioned my thoughts and feelings as being sick and feeling the need to push on can give you feeling of anxiety as well, so it was hard to pull it all apart. Not wanting to let any one down including myself lead me to this moment.
Sweating uncontrollably from every pore on my skin; struggling to get all my gear packed away and walking the 500 or 600 meters back to the car. All I can remember thinking is just make it to the car as there is more water there and I can blast myself with the air-conditioner. Please please just make it to the car. Find where I’ve hidden the key collapse in behind the wheel. Car on ~ after a considerable amount of time, I can sense my core starting to switch off the furnace and begin to cool back down.
Totally drained I drive back to where I was staying and proceed to have a long cool shower. Keep drinking more fluid and embedded in a chair looking out over nature’s beauty. I begin to piece everything all together. My inner bully still wanted to stomp down hard on me. However the life lesson of defusing from a situation of being pushed around by anxiety but not looking at the situation again when still in a similar position can lead us to simply problem solve and not listen and observe. For me I should have realised, yes some was very similar but other parts were different though in fairness could have gone equally with feeling anxious and actually being sick. In all my years competing I’d only ever got the metallic taste twice and even then it was while strong only fleeting. I was stuck in the anxiety story and didn’t look at the bigger picture which was obvious to you all but sadly not to me as I had tunnel vision at the time; anxiety was the problem solve ‘THAT PROBLEM’. No harm done it wasn’t covid just a bad tummy bug probably not helped by the fact I’d started the night with mild heatstroke. I gathered all my stuff together and got home the next day while feeling less then human for a further 5 days or so.
Can we ever get that balance right between looking to jump in and solve a problem and really listening to to situation anew and with nonjudgemental eyes and mind. I could now leap into a lecture on getting that balance right and it should be obvious if you are slipping too far one way or the other. However the truth is we need at different times both those things. Determination, solving a problem and staying the course is important when being resilient and resourceful. Yet if resilience pushes us too far into narrow focus dedication to the problem then we aren’t aware of the ever changing flow of life and little hiccups or unexpected road bumps that can completely alter one’s course slightly until all of a sudden you are facing in the opposite direction to the one you started on and visualised for.
The take away is you will always need to be resilient and have tools to solve not only life’s problems but also your own self doubts and fears. However if you didn’t remind yourself to stay open minded and really listen; past all the loud shouting and white noise at times we forget to truly listen to ALL to shifting sands. Before we know it we are standing on an isolated island with the problem in question, having long since floated away and only its’ history keeping us glued emotionally to this position. We work hard to gain the skills to deal with life’s problems; yet at times if we listen and show ourselves a glimmer of self kindness the solution might be far less complicated and encouraging towards the growth you have already achieved. It’s important to build tools and have confidence with them. However if we haven’t leant into our emotions and stayed open to the situation anew. Then we are just as likely to reach for the wrong tool and then beat ourselves up for not solving the problem when in fact it wasn’t the problem that needed fixing. Life is both complicated and simple. But always remember be open minded, observe and listen before reaching into your tool box. You may just be genuinely feeling under the weather.
Best of luck.
If you are interested in online coaching to help over come any of your friction points I offer online sessions and can be booked through the link below.
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Thank you.
Ben
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Good books on the subject and a link to audiobooks which is the easiest way to get information in our busy lifestyles.
Why We Sleep: The New Science of Sleep and Dreams
Five Minutes in the Morning: A Focus Journal
Toxic Positivity
The ONE Thing: The Surprisingly Simple Truth Behind Extraordinary Results
Let That Sh*t Go: A Journal for Leaving Your Bullsh*t Behind and Creating a Happy Life
Let That Sh*t Go: Find Peace of Mind and Happiness in Your Everyday
Goals: How to Get the Most out of Your Life
