9th November a knot in my stomach. Nothing serious just like being flicked every 30 minutes or so. A goal had been set and now it was all coming down to that point where the rubber hits the road. Time to muscle up buttercup and get it done. Good or bad know where you stand but stand up anyway.
12th November count down has hit zero! This is it no more preparation can be done it’s the moment of all or nothing. Best technique will make it as smooth as possible. Trust the process, trust the work and trust those around you and you absolutely must trust yourself completely. If it goes wrong you can reset and you’ve rehearsed for the good smooth launch and any problem that may come up. Breathe in breathe out keep looking up and step into the harness straps take the pressure and run. Look forward look forward. Hands raising up keep even pressure, legs getting faster close throttle completely. Run Run Run, let the risers go feel the brake pressure. Keep running touch the brake and the last foot leaves the ground. The immediate sense of joy. Flight has been achieved and for me few things compare to that lift into the air, freedom and exhilaration.
Flying up and down that coast line was just magical. At one point I was joined by a white bellied sea eagle. With a wingspan around the 2m it was a beautiful sight cruising along the coast line with me about ten metres off it’s left wing tip. Not a care in the world knowing I wasn’t a predator and just sharing the sky on this beautiful afternoon. I peeled off and left that magnificent creature of flight to explore and hunt for it’s next meal while I went back to discovering the other side of the point at the end of the beach.
That was so much fun, now I can’t avoid the preparation for landing though. I begin by swinging my legs and ankles as much as I can to get the movement and blood flowing. I pictured the sequence of events and how the body’s responds to different weights and loading. One of the rare moments in life I rehearse it mentally going well without having to restart or deal with a series of pilot lead blunders happening in my visualisation. I’d looked at that landing on a few passes and had a good idea of my criterial points but I needed one more pass. Dave rightly had assumed I was off track and needed correcting and I didn’t let his voice fluster my thoughts except take the picture he was laying out for me on board and then doing a very definite go around as it was now absolutely clear the circuit I’d follow into my landing point. The only thing left was the courage to do it. Getting out of the harness and comfortable felt very committing, fly a good line on base controlling the descent rate. Picked my line through onto final and landing point. Turn without getting heavy on the brakes. This will happen fast let the wing keep flying though and cut the engine (when you cut the engine on a paramotor compared to paragliding you suddenly have a far greater sink rate which I used to find very off putting when I first did paramotoring training), feel the sink and importantly let the wing keep flying. Sand coming up, legs you can do this. Feel the brakes, ready to flare. Look up start pulling down as foot reaches forward make that leg take whatever weight is necessary and step into the next, take the weight. Even though the hands are pulling down legs need to be pushing up at the same time too. Flare has been good. Only needed to run a few steps. Turn around, pull the brakes and kill the glider. Wow it’s done, that feeling was why the goal was worth consistently reseting for and not abandoning. However it was later in that week that I was hugely grateful I’d done those resets because I needed that clear head the extra time and fitness the year had given me. Reflecting on that day I thought I could have probably done the flight if not 12 months earlier then certainly 6 months earlier. I was extremely pleased that I managed to tick off this project, but it left me with a slight sense of doubt as to wether my mind was putting up road blocks to make future projects that much harder to achieve. Though I did tell myself I had felt strong and robust, which will definitely be required over the next few days as I planned to repeat the process again and again to get some good airtime in under wonderful supervision.
The next day was a good test as it was practically nil wind so much faster longer take off and landing. The flight it’s self was gorgeous with wonderful views over the coast and inland. Managed some great thermals and got in another 90 mins in the air before landing. I was more glad of the extra time today spent rehabbing and getting fit for purpose but still maybe just maybe I hadn’t been as mentally strong as I thought I was. Maybe those thoughts of getting fitter to be really safe and confident were actually just road blocks from fear of failure and or injury. I’d felt rightly nervous and a little anxious strapping in and lying out the wing for real knowing I was going to launch a few days earlier. If you’re not at least a little nervous in that situation then you possibly haven’t done a very good risk assessment for the skills required and the situation I was in. However what if I’d let fear mask itself as safety concerns and actually I’d been holding myself back?
Day 3 everything changes. Take off today was challenging not in a scary way just in a skills being tested way. The wind was quite a bit stronger then the other days and I needed to be clear head and determined. Right get this done type of way! Can’t second guess yourself and commit to doing. Half assed so to speak will get you into a lot of trouble quickly. I didn’t want an over powering wing dragging my back around as well as carrying 25kg+. Job done in the air. Lumper stronger conditions then the last few days but with the white caps changing the oceans landscape today gives a great reason to explore the different altitudes and wind gradient. This allowed you to almost hover with the right power setting and trimmings. Very cool flying conditions of bobbing up and down hovering and turning into and away from the wind. I’d probably been in the air close to an hour when half way through a turn a little surge then a second, the first unconscious thought was the wind was kicking in more as it was gusting slightly more at times though still very flyable. Perhaps my finger had slipped off the throttle during the turn. Then the third surge and nothing.
This is where that extra 12 months came to the fore. During an engine out close to the ground everything must be clear. Aviate, Navaigate, Communicate. I finished the turn so I was now facing into a landing approach, just a minute before the engine failed I’d decided to increase my height and set my line a little more over the tree line to allow plenty of room between myself and some horses that were being lead along the beach. I’d lifted my height not only to clear the live stock but in this strong wind I knew getting back to the beach with an engine failure would be tough and increased my safety margin. Once they were well past I started the turn when the engine failed. I had time for one quick pull on the engine cord it was in that moment that the extra physical training paid off. My mind if unsure of my body’s abilities to cope with the landing stresses would have put more emphasis on the restart and gone for at least two or three more pulls thus making the landing chaotic at best. However instinctively I trusted my body and wanted to prepare best for landing rather then the hope of re-starting the engine and thus trying to avoid the landing at least for now. Trimmers in, out of the harness and ignore the radio questions for the moment they can’t help me now. Clear the little rough boggy dune and very shallow turn more into wind, very quick rehearsal of what I’ll do once I land as the wind isn’t going to play nice with my wing. Look up breathe out and here comes the sand. Land turn and grab for the C risers oops missed and the sand was heavier then I’d hoped so keeping up with the wing harder. Wrap the brakes and keep wrapping after quite a few frenetic foot steps the wing is completely down and not flying anymore. Huge sense of relief washes straight over me not because of the engine out and not ending up in the trees, but because I knew if my body and mind had been weaker they would have gone searching for another solution and that would have turned a situation from bad to worse very quickly. Time I just didn’t have and I was so pleased I’d been situationally aware of my surrounding immediately and the decisions required to have the best outcome. Perhaps pushing that goal back wasn’t dropping the ball but finding a way to carry the ball better and unconsciously so when in trouble I didn’t require it to be a conscious thought thus clouding my judgement.
So I discovered of course I was understandably nervous about preforming the task however while the body took quite a while to come on board, what I’d actually suppressed in part during that time was the mind had struggled in each stage of recovery to picture actions and sequences of body parts fluidly flowing from one task into the next. Whether it was age or a longer period of traction and or lots more heavy brain fog this time, that part had been much slower and more difficult compared to a very similar injury 25+ yrs earlier. Apart from the ankle the rest of the body recovered at about the same pace, give or take a month or two here and there to perviously, though much more fundamentally stronger and less long term pain this time because I knew this journey and how best to get the basics done before the incorrect muscles and motor skills were adopted. However while there had been pitfalls, goals falling by the way side and smashing some crazy ones along the way. These were all easy to chart both good and bad. A pin could be put in a wall and say yep there I was at this point in time and that’s what I could do. Myles could run tests and say yep here’s where we are and here’s where we are aiming to get to next. On reflection I realised all along that my mind in a physical way wasn’t always keeping up with my body or activities. Anything beyond walking and simple daily activities I had to re-write and wire for my brain and importantly re-picture. Running and particularly any form of jumping or hopping would leave the brain with just a blank page that hadn’t yet been written and more importantly the feeling there was no pen with which to write it. Thus the brain was slow to pick up any new activities and always had a protective handbrake on. Not that the brain was doing a big in your face NO! More it just couldn’t possibly see how something needed to occur so that meant it was always doing a subtle underlying quiet no. Though thousands of small decisions I’d unconsciously kept challenging my brain to keep going and hadn’t let thoughts of blank papers overwhelm me but it had caused the time lines to be pushed back. While I did question that at times I guess I didn’t question the fact I was still making progress so would get there in the end if I still really wanted it. Sometimes I get caught up in the time line and not the progress or challenges I might be over coming on the way. Each of those challenges are their own victories and I hadn’t always recognised them for their importance and how they kept laying the solid foundation for the end result and project. Be careful to see where your handbrake is and don’t let time lines push you into failure or giving up. Progress is still always progress even if it’s not a straight line at times. I wish you every success into your future and hope you’ll always have the strength and growth to find the path of your chosen goals.
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